East Versus West

I'm the first to agree that American parenting has become too soft and permissive these days -- most folks are more concerned about nurturing their precious little snowflakes' individuality than helping them become productive, functional members of society. But Tiger Mother sees discipline as more important to successful parenting than freedom of choice. Ms. Chua's daughters were never allowed to go to sleepovers, have playdates, watch TV, or choose their own extracurricular activities. They spent their time studying and learning an instrument -- both grew up to be musical prodigies who excelled academically. Ms. Chua believes that "To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up."

So true! I believe that anything worth having requires a great deal of hard work, and we rarely appreciate that which falls into our lap without any effort on our part. And while I may disagree with some of Tiger Mother's tactics (she once threatened to burn her daughter's favorite stuffed animal if her piano playing didn't improve), there is a soundness to the principle involved. The child who had claimed she "couldn't do it" immediately mastered the piece that had previously defeated ber -- she was so proud of herself and so enjoyed showing off her new-found skills that she played the piece endlessly for a week. Tiger Mother believes that "nothing is fun until you're good at it" -- I'm not sure about that, but almost everything is MORE fun once you hone your abilities. And achieving competence doesn't happen overnight -- it's all about delayed gratification. Ms. Chua's goal is not to try and GIVE her children happiness the way American parents do by buying them gifts and praising them indiscriminately -- but to help them BECOME happy on their own through a sense of accomplishment, which is going to require bit of misery while they develop their strengths. Certainly a laudable goal in the abstract.

There's another anecdote from the book that American parents love to use to criticize Tiger Mother's methods -- at one point she rejects a sloppy, careless, hand-made birthday card from one of her daughters as not being good enough. Ms. Chua tells the child that she can do better and she expects more from her. Mean, you say? But is this any less damaging than the "everything you do is wonderful" American way? Think about it -- we praise children for everything they do, even when it's clear they've put forth a half-assed effort and aren't really trying. And what does that get us but a generation of kids with an entitlement mentality and a sense of disappointment as adults? "Mom rewarded me for doing the bare minimum and bringing home C's on my report card -- so I don't understand why I'm not being promoted and given a raise when I do the same thing at work!" So many American kids hold themselves to ridiculously low standards because their parents didn't expect much from them growing up. But Chinese parents only lavish their progeny with ego-inflating praise when a child truly excels -- believing that it's more effective when it's actually been earned. It makes me wonder if we aren't doing our kids a disservice by accepting mediocrity.

There's Some Truth To What She Says

Certainly, I'm not talking about children with legitimate learning disabilities -- I'm referring to the sense of apathy that has overtaken the next generation, nothing but plain old-fashioned laziness. What ever happened to the idea that anything worth doing is worth doing well? I was taught that if you suck as something (sports or reading or math or playing an instrument), you don't just say, "Oh well" -- you do something about it! You work harder, you take lessons, you get extra help, you push yourself (so it's clearly not just an "East meets West" issue). But times have changed -- nowadays, it's taboo to reward achievement and attempt to improve on poor performance. Coaches give "most valuable player" awards to every child on the team so as not to hurt anyone's feelings -- and when a crappy student flunks a class, mom and dad blame the curriculum or the teacher instead of demanding more effort on the part of their offspring. But in other societies, parents see failure as an opportunity to improve -- they get involved, drilling their children, running through practice exercises, sitting with them through endless hours of flash cards and arithmetic problems and rehearsal. They invest time and energy, a foreign concept to many parents in the U.S. It's no wonder Asian students are kicking American students' collective ass at the university level!

I personally believe that the Chinese way shows more faith in a child's ability than the Western way. The Chinese assumption is that children can really do anything they set their minds to -- they see their kids as being strong enough to take a dressing-down in the face of poor performance, to learn a lesson from the situation, and to improve their skills as a result. The Western perspective is to worry about failure hurting the child's ego. Tiger Mother says, "Western parents are concerned about their children's psyches. Chinese parents aren't. They assume strength, not fragility. Western parents worry a lot about their children's self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child's self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't." No arguments here! In the end, Tiger Mother believes that Chinese child-rearing is much more honest than the euphemistic style of parenting practiced by most Americans. A Chinese mother whose child has grown unhealthily obese feels free to tell the kid to stop eating so much instead of tip-toeing around issues of self-image. A Chinese mother who believes a child isn't putting forth enough effort in school tells the child to make better grades, instead of simply asking him or her to try harder. And in the end, many Chinese mothers secretly believe that they care more about their kids than Westerners, who seem perfectly content to let their children turn out badly. Really, who am I to argue?

Of course, there are drawbacks to this approach. Making every decision for your children and expecting them to blindly obey is guaranteed to hinder their critical thinking skills and creativity -- I don't picture too many DaVincis coming out of this school of parenting thought. These are also not likely to be the most empathetic and emotionally intelligent kids on the planet. And one might question whether this type of discipline really makes a person happy in the long-run. There's much more to success than academic achievement and professional proficiency -- I'm not sure that the Tiger Mothers of the world are raising particularly well-rounded kids (although neither are children in the U.S., come to think of it). You also have to consider the social cost -- suicide is the second leading cause of death among Asian American women ages 15-24 (with family pressures cited as an important factor). But it's not as if the newest generations of young American adults are filled with excitement and hope about the future -- they're dying more of ennui. As with anything, the trick is finding a middle ground -- but I'm convinced the middle is much closer to the battlefield where Tiger Mother stands than the couch upon which the average American breeder sits on her ass!