A Few Pet Peeves, Anyone?

To be fair, most folks who annoy me probably don't mean to. They're just oblivious to the world around them -- caught up in a fog, going through life on auto-pilot, completely unaware of the chaos that they leave in their wake. While I consider it my civic duty to try and snap these people back to attention, I can put up with a certain amount of absentmindedness (let's face it -- societally-induced-ADD sort of comes with the territory these days.)

But what I have absolutely no tolerance for is the fool who blunders through life, blatantly disregarding everyone else around him because he thinks that he is the center of the universe -- that no one else's needs could possibly be as important as his. Someone that damned self-absorbed really doesn't even need to be allowed out in public -- can we please pass a bill to outlaw these morons?

Surprisingly enough, I'm usually too polite to dress someone down in person -- so this is my virtual salute to those of you who clog up the works, get in the way, and make life more difficult than it should be. Since this is an equal-opportunity collection of pet peeves, I invite you to post your own irritations, as well -- a little bitching and moaning is actually quite cathartic. My motto is "stop tolerating and start complaining!" Oh, and if you find yourself in this list, I might suggest a fundamental re-evaluation of the way you move through the world. One of these days, the rest of us are going to reach the end of our tether and MAKE you learn how to use that turn signal! Watch out if you are the guy who:

• acts as if nothing is happening while his dog jumps and slobbers all over you

• allows his child to shove in front of you at a zoo, museum, or aquarium

• alternately drives slow in the left lane, then whips over to the right lane to pass even slower

• answers the phone or responds to a text while you're having a conversation

• automatically blows his horn less than a nano-second after the light has changed to green

• bitches about the crappy job that politicians are doing, then tells you that he doesn't vote

• blesses out a waitress or shop clerk for something that is clearly beyond his or her control

• blocks traffic waiting for you to leave a space, when there's an empty one a row over

• can't talk about anything without trying to prove that he's the smartest one in the room

• carries on a long conversation with a cashier, with a line of people waiting behind him

• chews on a pen or pencil that doesn't actually belong to him

• cuts across three lanes and brings traffic to a screeching halt, to make a last-minute left turn

• doesn't actually understand that "irregardless" is not a word

• dresses in matching outfits with his wife or girlfriend, regardless of whose idea it was

• drives all over the road because he's doing it one-handed, while talking on his cell phone

• feels compelled to keep you updated on the latest episode of a show you don't care about

• fills the seat next to him on the train with his briefcase and jacket, while others have to stand

• fills up his plate at a buffet with a lot of food that he has no intention of eating

• follows you around the parking lot for as you walk to your car, trying to get your space

• gazes across the room while you talk, looking for something more interesting going on

• gets in the self-checkout lane, but clearly has no clue how to use this type of technology

• gets off of an escalator or moving sidewalk and stops on the platform

• gives his children rhyming first names, or names starting with the same first letter

• has a cyborg-looking bluetooth headset sticking out of his ear, when he's not on the phone

• has dual conversations on his land line and cell phone at the same time

• holds up two dozen oncoming cars, waiting for the far lane to clear so he can turn left

• honks his horn to let you know he has arrived, rather than getting out and going to the door

• ignores his child as he pitches a fit, making life miserable for everyone else in the room

• immediately runs out to buy the debut album of the latest "American Idol" winner

• insists on reciting the specials when waiting on you, when you've said you're not interested

• invites you to a party full of strangers, but doesn't introduce you to anyone when you arrive

• invites you to dinner, then stares vacantly at a TV in the corner of the restaurant

• is incapable of deciding what he wants to order before reaching the front of a fast-food line

• is lost, but drives at a a half a mile an hour rather than pulling over to look at a map

• is still pushing his 10-year-old children around in a stroller

• joins a common feeder line at the post office, then is clueless when it's time to step forward

• just does not understand when a marketing campaign has gone from "cute" to "annoying"

• keeps telling his child, "don't do that" over and over when the kid is clearly ignoring him

• lands on a new word that makes him feel cool, and inserts it in every sentence he uses

• leaves his trash on the table in self-serve restaurant ("that's what they pay these people for")

• leaves the water running in a public restroom sink, then walks out without turning it off

• makes you repeat your account info three times during a single customer service call

• misses his turnoff and has the nerve to back up on the interstate, rather than going to the exit

• mounts an outdoor floodlight that shines directly in your bedroom window

• nearly runs three people over cutting across a lot to the exit, rather than driving up the aisle

• never participates in a conversation that he can't turn back to himself and his interests

• parks in the loading zone with his hazard lights on while he runs into the store

• passes a dozen cars in the breakdown lane then cuts back into line, rather than wait in traffic

• picks you out of a crowd while giving a speech, and won't stop staring at you while he talks

• posts stupid meaningless comments on a web page, just to make a comment

• posts your content on his website without giving you proper credit, thinking you won't notice

• pulls partway into the intersection, then can't make it through before the light changes

• pulls in front of the entrance to let out someone who could easily walk from the parking lot

• puts every call he receives on speakerphone, then gets irritated at you for eavesdropping

• puts his dogs loose in the bed of his truck, while driving down the interstate at 75 mph
  

• quotes Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, or Fox News without checking (correcting) the facts

• refuses to plan to meet at a specific time, saying he'll call on his cell when he gets there

• refuses to turn the car off while in a store, so he won't have to wait for his air to cool down

• relies entirely on his GPS to get him around, refusing written directions, even when he's lost

• responds to a phone call asking for specific information by leaving a "call me" message

• rides his bike on the road, but assumes he's immune to stop signs, lights, and traffic laws

• rushes out in front of you in traffic, then goes about 30 mph

• seems surprised when he's asked to take the change out of his pocket at airport security

• sings along with the radio, grossly out of tune, getting less than half of the song's lyrics right

• sits in the middle of the row, but gets up 27 times during the movie

• smiles and jokes like it's funny, as his child puts his sticky hands all over you

• smokes while walking down the sidewalk, spraying a stream of fumes on those behind him

• spends his work day hanging over your desk, keeping you from getting anything done

• stops dead in the middle of the sidewalk with no warning, causing a pileup behind him

• suggests splitting the dinner check evenly, when his meal cost twice what everyone else's did

• tailgates you, honking and flashing his lights, when you're going 10 mph over the speed limit

• takes up the armrests on both sides of his airplane seat, forcing your hands into your lap

• talks while eating, spitting food all over the table in the process

• tells a story that takes hours to finish, then has a completely anti-climactic ending

• throws bottles and cans in the trash, even with a recycle bin sitting less than a yard away

• touches your computer screen with his finger while pointing, leaving a smudge behind

• treats his doctor's waiting room as his personal office, making loud phone calls while waiting

• tries to cut in front of you in line because he is running late (which means "didn't plan ahead")

• uses an apostrophe when trying to make a word plura

• uses redundant phrases, like "8 AM in the morning" or "it was an unexpected surprise"

• waits until you've just gotten into a television show before changing the channel

• walks in one direction while looking in a different direction, oblivious to oncoming traffic

• wants to sit next to (rather than across from) you, when two of you dine at a table for four

• wears his pants off his ass and cap backward, even though he's a suburban accountant

• won't put his signal on until after he's done making the turn, then never shuts it off

• won't write your order down at a restaurant, then returns three times to ask for clarification

Ramona Lays Down The Law

A Blessing From Father George