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Rants For All Occasions

Rants For All Occasions

Ya Gotta Have Some Fun

Ya Gotta Have Some Fun

Most of RamonaCreel.com is devoted to sharing my products, services, and free advice with the world -- coaching, organizing and training for new organizers, my photography, RVing guides and travel writing. But you also need someplace to let off steam every once in a while. This is my version of a "laughing place," only you might call it the "bitching place" -- where I let my pet peeves off their leash, siccing them on the stupidities, hypocrisies, and flawed assumptions in our society. Enjoy!

• In My Fascist State Blog -- If I Were In Charge Around Here No matter how positive you try to be, there's still a lot you have to deal with in life. I got tired of waiting for folks to change to suit my needs, so I created my own virtual world where I am supreme-dictator-for-life. I make the rules -- this is not a democracy and you don't get a vote! Here's what things would look like if I were in charge (a scary thought, I know!) But before you jump my case for outlawing the state of Texas or executing waiters who get your order wrong, realize that I'm not serious most of the time. It's satire. Calm down, have some dip.
• The Church Of Ramona -- Now Open For Business I have always had a problem with organized religion, mostly because there wasn't any one group out there whose story I could buy into 100%. I wanted to pick and choose the bits I liked best from different practices and paste them together into the "Church Of Ramona" -- and thanks to the internet and the Universal Life Church, now I can do just that. The ULC will consecrate anyone who requests it, entirely free of charge -- they went all the way to the Supreme Court to prove that they are a properly sanctioned church and that their online ordination process is entirely legal. I've been ordained and you people had better watch out!
• Blessings From Father George -- Ad Absurdum I have a lot to say about the world in my fascist state (probably too much, if the truth be told!) But I'm really just standing on the shoulders of giants -- I owe a huge debt of gratitude to all those smart-ass social commentators who came before me, inspiring me with their caustic wit. That's why I have posthumously appointed George Carlin as "official sage" and "guru-in-perpetuity" for my fascist state -- no one spoke the truth (or cut through the crap) better, and his words are wisdom to live by. So here's an ever-expanding list of "blessings" from Father George -- with new ones added each week. I hope that these allow you to go off and live your life as a more enlightened human being.
• Cutting Through The Crap With The Onion When every current affairs story is slanted in one direction or another, when all the legitimate news outlets have failed in their duty to provide you with the facts, and when Fox has managed to sue for (and win) the legal right to lie to viewers with impunity -- what is an intellectually-curious citizen to do? In my fascist state, we turn to "The Onion" -- one of the greatest modern bullshit detectors on the planet! The writers of this fine news publication have an amazing ability to get to the core of any issue -- exposing every hypocrisy, misconception, stupidity, and self-delusion that we as Americans hold dear. Just reading their headlines is enough of a societal reality check -- no one peels back the layers covering the truth and sums up the dumbassedness of a situation better!
• My, What An Ass -- Pet Peeves For The Modern Age The majority of people you meet are wonderful -- but it's the 1% who seem to have their heads inserted rectally that make me wonder about our species. Why are some people just so dadgummed stupid? I can put up with a certain amount of absentmindedness -- but what I have absolutely no tolerance for is the fool who blunders through life, blatantly disregarding everyone else around him because he thinks that he is the center of the universe. I'm usually too polite to dress someone down in person -- so this is my virtual salute to those of you who clog up the works, get in the way, and make life difficult.
• Plagued By First-World Problems Have you ever had one of those days when you find yourself grumbling about minor inconveniences and irritations that can barely even be classified as "complaints" in the grand scheme of things? Do you ever feel guilty about having such a good life that your biggest annoyance is too much mayo on your burger? Welcome to the land of "first-world problems" -- issues that are only experienced by privileged individuals living in wealthy, industrialized countries. The next time you open your mouth about too-hot-coffee or nothing good to watch on TV, just remember that there's some starving third-world kid with flies in his eyes and a swollen belly out there rolling his eyes at your petty, meaningless woes. And now that I've made you feel bad, here are a hundred superficial first-world problems that we can all relate to!
• Answering All Those Unanswerable Ramona-Questions Anyone who knows me well knows that I ask a lot of questions -- random (and often rather surreal) observations about the world around me that Matt calls "Ramona-Questions." I find everything fascinating. How things are made and why they aren't made better. Where some of our stranger cliches come from. Whether milk poured on cereal is a beverage, a broth, or a sauce. Whether a pregnant woman or a hearse with a dead body is eligible to drive in the HOV lane. Whether conjoined twins should be charged one admission or two when they visit a theme park. And what people like me would do to entertain themselves if there were no hypothetical questions! I've emptied my head of my favorite ponderables so that you can share in pondering them too -- enjoy
• Life Among The Breeders Blog -- It's A Crazy Kid-Centric World Matt and I are child-free and proud of it -- but living in a society that is so geared toward reproduction can be a bit of a challenge. This is my space for examining our off-kilter societal attitudes about children -- and for lambasting the "breeders" who treat their kids like chattel rather than people. Most good parents recognize that I'm not talking about them (and are even more harsh about crappy parenting than me!) But if you're overly sensitive to ANY criticism about your precious little darlings, you probably want to just turn around right now.
• What Child-Free Means Back in the day, you were expected to reproduce -- and if you couldn't for biological reasons, you were labeled "barren" and pitied by your neighbors. But God bless Depo Provera and the Supreme Court for giving me a choice -- because welcoming a child into my home is not anything I ever wanted to be involved in. When folks ask if we have kids and I explain that we're "child-free," most people have no clue what that means. So let me take a minute to share some information about our decision not to breed, and the joys of a voluntarily childless lifestyle.
• 100 Reasons To Stay Child-Free It seems that parents always want to tell us child-free folks about the many fantastic reasons for having kids -- and I'm sorry, but I just feel the need to rebut when faced with an obnoxiously pronatalist diatribe. I would never attempt to convince any mom or dad that he or she might have led a happier existence sans children. So I find it doubly ironic that so many of them seem to want to convert the rest of us to their way of thinking. All I want is the opportunity for a little equal-opportunity propaganda. So after a few glasses of wine with some no-kidder friends, we got a bit rambunctious about reciting the many reasons why life is glorious without children to weigh us down.
• A Glossary Of Child-Free Terms You may have heard words like "breeder," "DINK," "baby rabies," or "mommy mafia" before and not known what they meant. So I took it upon myself to introduce my readers to the complete no-kidding lexicon. Just know that these terms were never intended for those good parents who are actually doing their best to raise the next generation in a responsible and loving manner. That's why you get your own special nickname in this glossary -- PNB ("parent-not-breeder") to distinguish you from the teeming masses.
• Playing Breeder Bingo I've had a number of parent-pals ask me what "breeder bingo" was all about. It's a fun little game we no-kidders play with those who think that (with enough bullying) they can convert us to their way of thinking and convince us to have kids. Every time a child-free individual comes upon a baby-zealot, he or she is guaranteed to hear the same mindless arguments in favor of reproduction over and over again -- their remonstrations are so overused, so predictable, so cliche. As this self-righteous breeder yammers in your face, you can't help but feel tempted to check their arguments off on a card and holler "BINGO!" at them when you get a straight line. For those of you who have never had your life choices and values questioned by complete strangers who don't even know you, you're missing out on quite a treat.
• Some Child-Free Fun Those of you without a sense of humor might think that I take this issue a little too seriously -- demanding that society change to meet the needs of the voluntarily childless and all that. But being sans-offspring involves more than just bitching and complaining. We also have a sense of humor -- and there's nothing more fun for a no-kidder than taking a poke at the breeders!