It seems that parents always want to tell us child-free folks about the many fantastic reasons for having kids — all of which usually revolve around holidays, birthdays, trips to the zoo, and what an angel that little bologna-loaf is while sleeping (with little mention of the noise and mess that accompany the remaining waking hours!) I’m sorry, but I just feel the need to rebut when that happens. Now I would never attempt to convince any mom or dad that he or she might have led a happier existence sans children. So I find it doubly ironic that so many of them seem to want to convert the rest of us to their way of thinking. The “it’s-so-wonderful-to-be-a-parent” speech is often presented either in the tone of an evangelist trying to help a heathen see the light, or as a desperate plea for validation — neither of which does much to change my mind about our child-free choice!
The motivation behind this list is simple. I was having a chat with some of our no-kidder friends following one such obnoxiously pronatalist diatribe (to be honest, it’s likely that “rant” is a more appropriate description than “chat!”) After a few glasses of wine, we got a bit rambunctious about reciting the many reasons why life is glorious without children to weigh us down.
And before you start saying that we are being “selfish,” I would ask that you examine some of the arguments parents give for WANTING kids — like that idea of having someone to take care of them in their old age, or wanting junior to carry on the family business, or expecting their children to fulfill all those dreams they never managed to achieve themselves. Tell me that isn’t selfish! Anyway, all I want is the opportunity for a little equal-opportunity propaganda — so please allow me to share some of our silliness with you:
- My days end peacefully, with a glass of wine rather than a bedtime temper tantrum.
- Taking a small house-ape into the stall with me every time I use a public restroom? I don’t think so!
- My day is never interrupted by someone who needs to take a nap, unless that someone is me.
- Ah, the joy of moving swiftly through crowds, without a stroller to push or a tiny snot-monster in tow.
- No one ever asks me to drink breast milk in the security line at the airport.
- It’s easy to maintain a youthful, energetic outlook on life — I don’t plan to ever grow old and cranky.
- Home-spa days are the only time I spend hours in the bathroom — in/out/pee/done, 1 minute max.
- My sweetie and I fool around all over the house, and the only one who might walk in on us is the cat.
- I’ve avoided those don’t-make-me-tell-you-again-facial-lines my parent-friends have acquired.
- My boobs are going to take a lot longer to start drooping.
- I’m done paying college tuition — forever.
- A lifetime of birth control will set me back far less than pregnancy and 18 years of child-rearing.
- When I buy kinderspüllen, it’s as a donation — not a way of appeasing an already-spoiled brat.
- Christmas is about cheer — not lists of demands issued by a brainwashed midget consumer.
- Hiring a pet sitter is cheaper than daycare would be.
- Groceries, housing, gas, clothing, recreation, insurance — they all cost less without minors in the mix.
- In my lifetime, I’ll consume less than 1/3 the natural resources of a clan mit sproggen.
- Actually putting money away in savings for my future — what a concept!
- No one in my household will ever “borrow” cash out of my purse without asking me.
- I’ll never be saddled with a mini-van — Little League teams and school field trips be damned!
- I get to see plays and concerts all the way through to the end, without interruption.
- Rushing home in the middle of a fun evening because it’s past my sperm-lette’s bedtime? Naw.
- I’m footloose and fancy-free to travel all the time — 7 days a week, 365 days a year, if I want to.
- There’s nothing stopping me from going on rides intended for people taller than 48″ in height.
- During museum visits, I spend as much or as little time at an exhibit as I want.
- I choose restaurants based on cuisine and atmosphere — rather than the presence of a kid’s menu.
- Vacationing in exotic not-munchkin-friendly locations is routine for me.
- I’ve been excused from double-checking with scouts or soccer before agreeing to attend an event.
- Censoring my media tastes to protect sensitive ears from offense? What is this of which you speak?
- I regularly take several-month-long road-trips during the school year.
Health And Hygiene
- Morning sickness and postpartum depression don’t exist in my world.
- The potty training process is nothing more to me than a spectator sport.
- I get to enjoy the holidays — while my friends with spawn are busy swapping colds back and forth.
- There’s very little chance that I’ll being drooled, peed, pooped or thrown-up on a typical day.
- You’ll never find frosted cereals, fruit roll-ups, or spaghetti-o’s in my pantry.
- Ain’t nobody gonna ask me to change a diaper — if they know what’s good for them!
- The only snotty nose I ever have to wipe is my own.
- I have a single doctor visit each year (my checkup) — not one a week, every time Junior sniffles.
- The American Sociological folks say I’m less susceptible to depression than mom-and-dad-types.
- An IUD is nowhere near as painful as childbirth.
- My cats get the run of the house, without fear of having their tail or ears pulled.
- I can surf any part of the web I please without installing a “net nanny” program on my computer.
- No worries about immediately relocating the minute a sex offender moves into the neighborhood.
- Without unruly crotch-droplings in the backseat, I’m less likely to end up in a traffic accident.
- Perverted sitters, teachers, camp counselors, Catholic priests — not a personal concern in my life.
- I’m blessedly unfamiliar with the ins-and-outs of child-proofing.
- Of all the things that might slip my mind, forgetting an ankle-biter at a shopping mall isn’t an issue.
- You’ll never see one of those annoying “baby on board” signs hanging from my vehicle window.
- My bathroom will never be accidentally flooded, nor the kitchen unintentionally engulfed in flames.
- I won’t get another concussion after being hit in the head with a car seat. (It happened — don’t ask!)
- Adults don’t attempt to communicate by screaming, “Mine! Mine! Mine!”
- I’m free to keep acting silly and having fun, instead of turning into a humorless disciplinarian.
- Never will I be forced to spend time with twerps I can’t stand, just ‘cuz they’re my shriekling’s friends.
- Ugly confrontations with strangers because my bratzilla is being an ass in public? Denied!
- As a rule, I don’t have to worry about grown companions pulling their wee-wees out in public.
- I prefer it when I’m the one being told to use an “inside voice.”
- My peeps have no reason to throw a red-faced-on-the-floor-foot-stomping-fist-banging hissy fit.
- Rarely am I put in a situation where I feel compelled to beat a family member in public.
- I relish being able to converse about other subjects besides preschool and bowel movements.
- My life does not include tolerating a bunch of snooty-patootie parents in the name of a “play date.”
It’s All About Freedom
- Zero interaction with “helicopter mommies” and those “attachment parenting” freaks.
- I might change my plans at a moment’s notice — and no one else will care.
- Alarm clock? What’s that?
- I can thoroughly enjoy living in a hip, cool neighborhood with a crappy school district.
- Breakfast might happen at 10 AM, lunch at 4 PM, and dinner at midnight. So what?
- I can be completely spontaneous, taking advantage of opportunities that pop up at the last minute.
- Setting a good example is not an especially high priority of mine — I prefer to relax and be myself.
- I sleep straight through until morning without being awakened every few hours, night after night.
- O.P.C. provide me a great deal of pleasure — especially when I give them back once I’m done playing.
- I never have to worry about completing homework (mine or anyone else’s) ever again.
- At the end of my life, I’ll be able to say that I did something more than contract my uterus.
- When I sit down to work, I can focus on the task at hand and actually complete a project.
- My job description is more fulfilling than “bank teller,” “maid,” “cook,” and “chauffeur” for the fam.
- Turn down a career opportunity because relocating would cause filial upheaval? Are you kidding me?
- I could join the Peace Corps tomorrow and no one would be inconvenienced by my absence.
- Weekends are spent broadening my horizons, rather than attending pint-sized birthday parties.
- My sense of self worth comes from my accomplishments — not someone else’s.
- “Exercise” means something other than chasing an out-of-control toddler around the grocery store.
- I’m not forced to choose between having a career and having kids.
- My days off aren’t wasted playing nursemaid to a barfing or mucous-laden crib-lizard.
Stuff, Stuff, And More Stuff
- The colors pink and blue are nonexistent in my decorating scheme.
- I don’t have to worry about someone inadvertently deleting every file off my computer.
- Going out for the day doesn’t mean packing a suitcase full of kidcrap and childcare supplies.
- I will never in my life buy a car seat, crib, stroller, or Talking Elmo doll.
- My wardrobe doesn’t have to be replaced every 3 months because I’ve outgrown everything.
- I’m not going to kill off the human race with germophobic-resistance-causing-anti-bacterial furniture.
- Nothing I own is coated in a sticky, unidentifiable substance.
- I never think about whether I bought enough (or the right kind of) presents on Christmas morning.
- If something breaks in my house, I don’t have to play guessing games to figure out how it happened.
- My outdoor areas are uncluttered by swing sets, paddling pools, and trampolines.
Weird Parent-Only Issues
- I don’t beat myself up about what a crappy parent I am.
- The “soccer mom” label will never apply to me.
- You won’t find an extra change of underwear in my purse in case of pee-pee accidents.
- The only time I say the words “Don’t make me turn this car around!” are in jest.
- Christmas Eve is for drinking with friends — not staying up all night trying to prove that Santa exists.
- Promise kept — I never engage in those parental behaviors I swore I’d never repeat.
- After hours of driving, I’ve not once heard anyone say, “Are we there yet?”
- My TV has yet to be sullied with even a single viewing of Barney, Teletubbies, Spongebob.
- Pants with a stretchy panel in the front — not!
- I got my babies fixed less than 2 months after they were born — you can’t do that with humans.
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Ramona Creel is an award-winning 15-year veteran organizer and member of the National Association Of Professional Organizers. As well as having birthed “The A-To-Z Of Getting Organized,” Ramona is also the author of “The Professional Organizer’s Bible: A Slightly Irreverent And Completely Unorthodox Guide For Turning Clutter Into A Career”—and the creator of more than 200 “quick-start” business tools and templates for use by productivity professionals. She writes seven different blogs, has worked with hundreds of clients, and has delivered scores of presentations on getting organized. Ramona resides on the roads of America as a full-time RVer—living and working in a 29-foot Airstream. Learn more at and RamonaCreel.com.
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