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Blessings From Father George — Dominum Ad Absurdum

Fascist State -- Father GeorgeI have a lot to say about the world in my fascist state (too much, if the truth be told). But I’m just standing on the shoulders of giants — I owe a huge debt of gratitude to all those smart-ass social commentators who came before me, inspiring me with their caustic wit. Let me issue a formal “thank you” to anyone out there who’s turned a humorously bad attitude and penchant for complaint into a successful career — those of you who make a living by publicly dissecting societal foolishness, pointing out all the ways that we humans manage to be our own worst enemies. You rock!

While I can’t even begin to list all the satirists and comedians who’ve shaped my worldview, I’d like to pay homage to the father of modern sarcasm — by posthumously appointing George Carlin as official-sage-and-guru-in-perpetuity for The Church Of Ramona. I’ll admit that I was less a fan of his “hippy-dippy” era than his later “a-place-for-my-stuff” and “little-things-we-share” phases. His observations about daily life are so true they’re almost scary — but his best material was aimed at government stupidity, social mindlessness, and corporate greed. Whether the man was discussing war, abortion, discrimination, national debt, religion, or unbridled consumerism — Carlin always hit the nail on the head. Usually while hammering it directly into a cultural sore spot and jamming that spike in as hard as he could!

My pal Geaaaaahge (you have to imagine him saying that in a thick south Boston accent) was unafraid to tackle controversial issues, managed to be both astute and obnoxious, and always encouraged you think while he made you laugh. No one spoke the truth (or cut through the crap) better, and his words are wisdom to live by. It was a sad, sad day when we lost him, but he will live on forever through his insights. Here’s an ever-expanding list of “blessings” from Father George — with new ones added weekly. I hope that these allow you to go off and live your life as a more enlightened being.

  • “Sometimes a little brain damage can help.”
  • “The planet isn’t goin’ anywhere, folks. We are! We’re goin’ away. And we won’t leave much of a trace. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam.”
  • “Some see the glass as half empty; others see the glass as half full. I say the glass is too big.”
  • “Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.”
  • “Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”
  • “I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.”
  • “I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.”
  • “If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything that’s alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in?”
  • “Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.”
  • “The life cycle is backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home, get kicked out when you’re too young, get a gold watch. You work 40 years until you’re ready to enjoy retirement. You party and go to high school. You become a kid, play, have no responsibilities. You go back in the womb, spend your last 9 months floating, and finish as an orgasm.”
  • “I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.”
  • “Why do they put a suicide watch on certain death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you’re planning to kill kills himself? Does it spoil the fun?”
  • “You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.”
  • “Your children are overrated and overvalued, and you’ve turned them into little cult objects. You have a child fetish, and it’s not healthy.”
  • “No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.”
  • “Americans love to eat. They are fatally attracted to the slow death of fast food. Hot dogs, corn dogs, triple bacon cheese burgers, deep fried butter dipped in pork fat and cheese whiz, mayonnaise soaked barbecued mozzarella patty melts — Americans will eat anything. Anything. Anything! If you were selling sauteed raccoon’s assholes on a stick, Americans would buy them and eat them. Especially if you dipped them in butter and put a little salsa on them.”
  • “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
  • “When it comes to god’s existence, I’m not an atheist and I’m not an agnostic. I’m an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.”
  • “I’m starting to get more compassionate. I gotta watch that.”
  • “I find it discouraging when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on one hand versus those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky.”
  • “Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?”
  • “We are conditioned to notice and emphasize the differences among ourselves instead of the similarities. The corporate-style partitioning begins early in life — fetus, newborn, toddler, preschool, lower school, middle school, junior high, senior high, preteen, teen. Get in your box and stay there!”
  • “Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.”
  • “People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”
  • “I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.”
  • “Please don’t confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything’s gonna be okay.”
  • “The christians are coming to get you. And they are not pleasant people.”
  • “Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent — ‘I’m saving food!’ Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent — ‘I’m saving my life!”
  • “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
  • “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”
  • “The invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to a lot of people.”
  • “Parents are burning these kids out on structure. If you wanna know how you can help your children, leave them the fuck alone!”
  • “Most people don’t know what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”
  • “The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. The middle class pays all of the taxes, does all of the work. The poor are there… just to scare the shit out of the middle class. Keep ’em showing up at those JOBS.”
  • “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
  • “Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.”
  • “Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.”
  • “Americans have trouble facing the truth, so they invent the kind of a soft language to protest themselves from it, and it gets worse with every generation.”
  • “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
  • “Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don’t fall out of the sky. They don’t pass through a membrane from another reality. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it’s not the politicians who suck.”
  • “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”
  • “They want more for themselves and less for everybody else, but I’ll tell you what they don’t want. They don’t want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking.”
  • “I’m sixty years of age.  That’s 16 Celsius.”
  • “‘You learn something new every day.’ Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you just learned it, doesn’t mean it’s new.”
  • “If you vote once, you’re considered a good citizen. If you vote twice, you face 4 years in jail.”
  • “As far as I’m concerned, all of this airport security — the cameras, the questions, the screening, the searches — is just one more way of reducing your liberty and reminding you they can fuck with you anytime they want, as long as you’re willing to put up with it. Which means, of course, anytime they want. Because that’s the way Americans are now. They’re always willing to trade away a little of their freedom for the feeling, the illusion,  of security. “
  • “If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat — a cat and 2 legs, you’ve got a party.”
  • “I don’t think we should be governing ourselves. What we need is a king, and every now and then if the king’s not doing a good job, we kill him.”
  • “With humans it’s abortion, but with chickens it’s an omelet.”
  • “When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.”
  • “These are the days of 2 incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.”
  • “It’s the quiet ones you’ve gotta watch. Every time you see a story about a serial criminal on TV what do they do? They bring on the neighbor and the neighbor says, “He was always very quiet,’ and someone in the room says, ‘It’s the quiet ones you gotta watch.’ This sound to me like a very dangerous assumption. I will bet you anything that while you’re watching someone quiet a noisy one will fucking kill you.”
  • “Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.”
  • “We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.”
  • “I got a lot of good ideas. Trouble is most of them suck.”
  • “Pregnant women say, ‘He’s kicking. Do you wanna feel it?’ I don’t do that when I have gas. ‘Oh my god. Give me your hand. It won’t be long now!'”
  • “If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.”
  • “There are people walking around with a kind of a BRTTZZZZ….kind of a neutral zone around their heads. Some people leave part of their brains at home when they come out in the morning… Hey, some people don’t have that much to bring out in the first place!”
  • “God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.”
  • “I do this real moron thing, it’s called thinking, and I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”
  • “Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.”
  • “That’s all you hear about anymore, children — ‘Help the children, save the children, protect the children.’ You know what I say? Fuck the children!”
  • “Whoever coined the term ‘Buyer Beware’ was probably bleeding from the asshole.”
  • “The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse — you cannot post ‘Thou shalt not steal,’ ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery,’ and ‘Thou shalt not lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.”
  • “The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.”
  • Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
  • “I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.”
  • “I say live and let live. That’s my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.”
  • “In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”
  • “The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming.”
  • “The future ain’t what it used to be.”
  • “When the underclass riots in this country they don’t kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.”
  • “Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.”
  • “Although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning 18, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.”
  • “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
  • “I also happen to like it when feminists attack these fat-ass housewives who think there’s nothing more to life that sitting home on the telephone, drinking coffee, watching TV and pumping out a baby every nine months. P-poom, p-poom, p-poom, p-poom, p-poom — ‘Will 7 be enough Bob?'”
  • “Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.”
  • “When someone asks you, ‘A penny for your thoughts,’ and you put your 2 cents in, what happens to the other penny?”
  • “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
  • “You know what would be fun? To have a set of twins, name them Dumbo and Goofy and then just sit back and see how their personalities develop.”
  • “Hobbies cost money but interests are free.”
  • “I don’t know where they come from, but I believe there’s an automotive harassment squad that is notified when I leave the house, and they’re laying for me all along my route. There’s a guy making a u-turn in reverse! There’s a woman backing out of a bush!”
  • “Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.”
  • “I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these 2 institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”
  • “Just because you don’t have a lot to spend is no reason you shouldn’t spend what little you have.”
  • “Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see — ‘We’re the proud parents of a child whose self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.'”
  • “I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.”
  • “What do you think you have an immune system for? It’s for killing germs! But it needs practice. If you kill all the germs around you and live a completely sterile life, then when germs do come along, you’re not going to be prepared. And never mind ordinary germs — what are you going to do when some super virus comes along that turns your vital organs into liquid shit? You’re gonna to get sick and you’re gonna to die and you’re gonna deserve it because you’re fucking weak and you’ve got a fucking weak immune system!”
  • “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
  • “Civilization began its downhill path the day some guy first uttered the words ‘A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.'”
  • “If ‘con’ is the opposite of ‘pro,’ then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?”
  • “Sometimes when I’m told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I’ll use someone else’s. But I always put it back.”
  • Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
  • “That’s what they do in these schools, they lower the passing grades so more kids pass,  the school looks good, everybody’s happy, the IQ of the country slips another 2 or 3 points, and pretty soon, all you’ll need to get into college is a fucking pencil.”
  • “A good motto to live by — ‘always try not to get killed.'”
  • “You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.”
  • “We’re all amateurs. It’s just that some of us are more professional about it than others.”
  • “I’m not a person who thinks he can have it all. But I certainly believe that with a bit of effort and guile, I should be able to have more than my fair share.”
  • “The reason they call it ‘The American Dream’ is that you have to be asleep to believe it.”
  • “They tell you to adjust YOUR oxygen mask before helping your child with his. I did not need to be told that. In fact, I’m probably going to be too busy screaming to help him at all. This will be a good time for him to learn self-reliance.”
  • “Try spelling Evian backward.”
  • “What would you do if you were the planet? How would you defend yourself against this troublesome, pesky species? Let’s see…viruses. Viruses might be good.”
  • “Why would someone spend his whole life doing something he couldn’t wait to get away from?”
  • “You show me a lazy prick who’s lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any trouble.”
  • “Rights aren’t rights if someone can take them away. They’re privileges.”
  • “The Optimist — ‘I have no friends, no family, no money, no food, no job, no credit, no luck, no hope, and no future. However, I do have matches, toothpicks, chewing gum, paper clips, rubber bands, shoelaces, and Scotch tape. Maybe things aren’t so bad.'”
  • “People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”
  • “I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life — not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.”
  • “Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction.”
  • “Granola didn’t sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.”
  • “Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”
  • “Personally, I never take any special precautions against germs. I don’t shy away from people who sneeze and cough, I don’t wipe off the telephone, I don’t cover the toilet seat, and if I drop food on the floor, I pick it up and eat it. Yes I do. Even if I am at a side walk cafe, in Calcutta, the poor section, on new year’s morning during a soccer riot!”
  • “Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.”
  • “The best thing about visiting a hospital is that you see a lot of people who are much sicker than you, and it kind of makes you feel good.”
  • “Every family should be allowed half a child. If that.”
  • “A children’s museum sounds like a good idea, but I would imagine it’s not easy to breathe inside those little glass cases.”
  • “I’d have naked upside down crucifixions on TV once a week at halftime on Monday night football!”
  • “Every time you’re exposed to advertising in America, you’re reminded that this country’s most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution and marketing of bullshit. High quality, grade-A, prime-cut pure American bullshit.”
  • “If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that 1 enjoys it?”
  • “I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose — it’ll be much harder to detect.”
  • “I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.”
  • “Consumption. This is the new national pastime. Fuck baseball, it’s consumption, the only true, lasting American value that’s left.”
  • “The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.”
  • The big wealthy business interests, you know what they want? Obedient workers. Just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. And just dumb enough to passively accept these increasingly shittier jobs with lower pay, longer hours, reduced benefits, the end of overtime and vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it.”
  • “Everyone smiles in the same language.”
  • “They want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They’re against street crime, providing that street isn’t Wall Street.”
  • “Hooray for most things!”
  • “Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. They don’t want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don’t want some guy go to hell and be sick.”
  • “If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?”
  • “Mickey Mouse’s birthday being announced on the television news as if it were an actual event! I don’t give a shit! No wonder no one takes our country seriously, we waste valuable news time informing our citizens of the age of an imaginary rodent!”
  • “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”
  • “The christians gave Him Sunday, the jews gave Him Saturday, and the muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.”
  • “Nobody ‘owns’ anything. When you die, it all stays here.”
  • “People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”
  • “You can’t fight City Hall, but you can damn sure blow it up!”
  • Oh beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain. For strip-mined mountain’s majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee. And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.”
  • “We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.”
  • “I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.”
  • “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
  • “That’s all you need in life, a little place for your stuff. That’s all your house is — a place to keep your stuff. If you didn’t have so much stuff, you wouldn’t need a house.”
  • “I couldn’t commit suicide if my life depended on it.”
  • “There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven.baaaad words.”
  • “Have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.”
  • “That’s my job. Thinking up goofy shit, coming around every now and then, letting you know what it is…or reminding you of shit you already knew, but forgot to laugh at the first time.”
  • “The status quo sucks.”
  • “‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?”
  • “The future will soon be a thing of the past.”
  • “I’ve begun worshiping the sun for a number of reasons. Unlike some gods I could mention, I can see the sun. There’s no mystery, no one asks for money, I don’t have to dress up, and there’s no boring pageantry. And I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to god are all answered at about the same 50-percent rate.”
  • “My phone number is 17. I got one of the early ones.”
  • “I don’t believe there’s any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can’t completely ignore.”
  • “It’s time to start slapping people.”
  • “This country was founded by a group of slave owners who wanted to be. Am I right? A group of slave owners who wanted to be free!”
  • “As far as I’m concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that’s worth believing.”
  • “A prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state — our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail, crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight’s last gleaming.”
  • “Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.”
  • “When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s 2’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.”
  • Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
  • “Here’s another pack of jackoffs who ought to be strangled in front of their children. People who pay for inexpensive items with a credit card. No one should be paying the bank 18% interest on Tic-Tacs.”
  • “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
  • “What they ought to be doing is telling these priests who took a vow of chastity to keep their hands off the altar boys! Keep your hands to yourself, Father! You know? When Jesus said ‘Suffer the little children come unto me,’ that’s not what he was talking about!”
  • “Weather forecast for tonight — continued dark, with widely scattered light by morning.”
  • “There’s no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world and we’ll never have to change it again.”
  • “There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.”
  • “Got no steel industry left, can’t educate our young people, can’t get health care to our old people — but we can bomb the shit out of your country.”
  • “Be careful whom you befriend. They will eventually ask you for something.”
  • “These professional child-worshippers say we should put the needs of children first. Why? If you put the needs of children first, you’re going to wind up with way too many diapers and lollipops and not nearly enough bongs and condoms.”
  • “I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else.”
  • “Capitalism tries for a delicate balance — it attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.”
  • “Cloud 9 gets all the publicity, but cloud 8 actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.”
  • “Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with.”
  • “Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”
  • “The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, ‘You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.'”
  • “What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt.”
  • “This is the only country that can come up with a disease like bulimia. The only country where some people have no food at all, and others eat a nourishing meal and puke it up intentionally.”
  • “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”
  • “A lot of people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don’t have to lie; tell the judge the truth. Tell him you’d make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people, just like that!”
  • “Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?”
  • “You know where the sanctity of life came from? We made it up. You know why? ‘Cuz we’re alive. Self-interest. Living people have a strong interest in promoting the idea that somehow life is sacred. Dead people give less than a shit about the sanctity of life.”
  • “I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend — I didn’t bother with him.”
  • “People spending money they don’t have on things they don’t need . . . So they can max out their credit cards and spend the rest of their lives paying 18% interest on something that cost $12.50.”
  • “If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with 9-day weekends.”
  • “I’m getting tired of the security at the airport. I’m tired of someone with a double-digit IQ and a triple-digit income rootin’ around in my bag for no reason and never finding anything.”
  • “If you can’t say something nice about a person, go ahead.”
  • “I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they get into office and screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You voted them in. You caused the problem. You have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote — who did not even leave the house on Election Day — am in no way responsible for that these politicians have done and have every right to complain about the mess that you created.”
  • “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”
  • “I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?”
  • “I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”
  • “Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”
  • “The IQ and life expectancy of the average American just passed each other in opposite directions.”
  • “If you didn’t know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you’d seen. ‘These people would walk around all day and be okay. And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the mind adventures got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren’t unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.’ So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you’re in a science fiction movie. And whisper, ‘The creature is regenerating itself.'”
  • “I was Catholic until I reached the age of reason.”
  • “They say that rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don’t say anything about cursing a lack of candles.”
  • “The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.”
  • “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
  • “I’d never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to 2 pieces of wood.”
  • “War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you’d expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would’ve been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago.”
  • “If we could only find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.”
  • “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no I in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an I in independence, individuality and integrity.'”
  • “Give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach him to fish, he’ll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.”
  • “Here’s all you have to know about men and women — women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
  • “If I have a stroke, I hope it’ll be first thing in the morning so I don’t take my vitamins for nothing.”
  • “You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.”
  • “When you’re born, you get a ticket to the freak show. In America, you get a front-row seat.”
  • “When the supermarket checkout person asks, ‘Paper or Plastic?’ I often say, ‘Woven silk,’ just to keep him on his toes. ‘Rolled steel’ is not a bad answer either.”
  • “I’m not worried about guns in school. I’m waitin’ for guns in church! That’s gonna be a lotta fun!”
  • “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
  • “I like it when a flower or a tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.”
  • “I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever, laid-back but fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home, low-rent, high-maintenance. Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built-to-last!”
  • “You never get laid on Thanksgiving. I think it’s because all the coats are on the bed.”
  • “We don’t even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven’t learned how to care for one another. We’re gonna save the fuckin’ planet?”
  • “I had no shoes. I felt sorry for myself until I met a man with no feet. I took his shoes. I feel better.”
  • “He — and if there is a god, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.”
  • “One thing leads to another?’ Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.”
  • “I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.”
  • “Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”
  • “I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it’s just a small step to full-blown sociopath.”
  • “Always do whatever’s next.”
  • “There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’ These days, Trajedi.”
  • “What wine goes with Captain Crunch?”
  • “What’s happened is, these soft, fruity baby boomers, have raised an entire generation of soft, fruity kids who aren’t even allowed hazardous toys, for Chrissakes! What ever happened to natural selection? Survival of the fittest? The kid who swallows too many marbles doesn’t grow up to have kids of his own. Simple stuff. Nature knows best!”
  • “I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with.”
  • “Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.”
  • “If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?”
  • “I love it when ‘reasoning’ human beings think they have figured out how to beat something and it comes right back and kicks them in the nuts. God bless the law of unintended consequences.”
  • “I bet that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.”
  • “And here’s something else, another problem you might have — Suppose your prayers aren’t answered. What do you say? ‘It’s god’s will.’ Fine, but if it’s god’s will, and He’s going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn’t you just skip the praying part and go right to his will?”
  • “Never join a group that has a name.”
  • “And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes — it reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
  • “Every person you look at; you can see the universe in their eyes, if you’re really looking.”
  • “One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.”
  • “Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.”
  • “The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.”
  • “With the proper training, I could’ve been an evil genius.”
  • “There’s way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health. Still, I love traveling down there, especially when I’m in the mood for a quick trip to the thirteenth century.”
  • “The older you get, the better you realize you were.”
  • “There’s this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn’t want you to do, and you’ll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.”
  • “Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.”
  • “Religion is like a lift in your shoe. If you need it for a while, and it makes you walk straight and feel better — fine. But you don’t need it forever, or you can become permanently disabled. Religion is like a lift in the shoe, and I say just don’t ask me to wear your shoes. And let’s not go down and nail lifts onto the natives’ feet.”
  • “By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”
  • “Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.”
  • “The human species could have been great, but we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.”
  • “Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.”
  • “I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to god, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don’t. Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat’s testicles. It’s all the same — so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.”
  • “There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.”
  • “There are no innocent victims. If you live on this planet you’re guilty, period Fuck you. End of report. Next case.”
  • “Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn’t selling fucking legal?”
  • “Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?”
  • I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. “Warning! Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”
  • Whenever someone tells me they’re going to fix a chicken, I always think maybe it isn’t really broken. Maybe it just needs a little oil.
  • We have mileage, yardage and footage. Why don’t we have inchage?
  • There are only two places in the world–over here and over there.
  • Someone said to me, “Make yourself a sandwich.” Well, if I COULD make myself a sandwich, I WOULDN’T make myself a sandwich. I’d make myself a horny, 18-year-old billionaire.
  • I looked in the dictionary. “Cleanliness” is *not* next to “godliness.” “Cleanliness” is between “claustrophobia” and “cleavage.”
  • You know what we need? Black Jell-O.
  • I wonder if an Elvis impersonator could ever get famous enough so that someone who looked like him could become a celebrity lookalike. Is there room in this culture for an Elvis impersonator lookalike? Probably.
  • You know what’s fun? Go to a German restaurant and insist on using chopsticks.
  • Next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.
  • Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?
  • Why do they bother saying “raw sewage?” Do some people actually cook that stuff?
  • Have you ever been talking to yourself when someone suddenly comes in the room? And you have to make believe you were singing? And you hope to God the other person really believes there’s a song called “Fuck her?”
  • When people say “Clean as a whistle,” they forget that a whistle is full of spit.
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Ramona Creel is an award-winning 15-year veteran organizer and member of the National Association Of Professional Organizers. As well as having birthed “The A-To-Z Of Getting Organized,” Ramona is also the author of “The Professional Organizer’s Bible: A Slightly Irreverent And Completely Unorthodox Guide For Turning Clutter Into A Career”—and the creator of more than 200 “quick-start” business tools and templates for use by productivity professionals. She writes seven different blogs, has worked with hundreds of clients, and has delivered scores of presentations on getting organized. Ramona resides on the roads of America as a full-time RVer—living and working in a 29-foot Airstream. Learn more at and RamonaCreel.com.

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