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My, What An Ass — 7 Deadly Sins For The Modern Age

Fascist State -- My What An AssI travel constantly, so I’m always coming into contact with strangers. (Some stranger than others!) The majority of folks I meet are wonderful — friendly, generous, doing their best to be considerate and productive members of society. However, it’s the 1% who have their heads inserted rectally that make me wonder about our species. Why are some people just so dadgum stupid? To be fair, many who annoy me don’t mean to — they’re oblivious, caught in a fog, going through life on auto-pilot, unaware of the chaos left in their wake. And while I consider it my civic duty to snap these people back to attention, I can forgive a certain amount of absentmindedness. (Societally-induced-ADD comes with the territory these days.)

But something for which I have absolutely no tolerance in my fascist state is the fool who blunders through life, blatantly disregarding everyone around him because he’s the center of the universe — that really special brand of self-important-ego-maniacal-unique-and-precious-snowflake twit who’s convinced that no one else’s needs could possibly be as important as his. Someone that frigging me-absorbed really shouldn’t even be allowed out in public — can we please just pass a bill outlawing these jackasses?

Surprisingly, I’m too polite to dress these emmy-award-winners down in person — so this is my virtual salute to those who clog up the works, get in the way, and make life more difficult than it should be. Since this is an equal-opportunity collection of pet peeves, I invite you to post your own irritations, as well — a little bitching and moaning is actually quite cathartic. (Stop tolerating and start complaining!) Oh, and if you find your habitual behaviors in this list, I might suggest a fundamental re-evaluation of the way you move through the world. One of these days, the rest of us are going to reach the end of our collective societal tether and MAKE you learn how to use that turn signal! The hell with gluttony, sloth, greed, lust, pride, envy, and wrath — I proudly present the 7 deadly sins according to The Church Of Ramona!

Fascist State -- Devil IconDangerous Driving Habits

 

  • blowing your horn less than a nano-second after the light has changed to green
  • tailgating someone going 10 mph over the speed limit, honking and flashing your lights
  • holding up a dozen cars in oncoming traffic, waiting for the far lane to clear so you can turn left
  • trolling a parking lot for 30 minutes, looking for a closer space, rather than walk 10 extra feet
  • pulling partway into the intersection, then not making it through before the light changes
  • driving at a turtle’s pace, rather than pulling over to look at a map when you’re lost
  • rushing out in front of someone else in traffic, then dropping down to 15 mph
  • not putting your signal on until after you’re done making the turn, then never shutting it off
  • nearly running 3 people over cutting across a parking lot to the exit, rather than driving up the aisle
  • missing your exit, then having the nerve to back up on the interstate rather than go to the next one
  • passing a dozen cars via the breakdown lane, then cutting back in front of the line
  • driving slow in the left lane, then whipping over to the right lane to pass someone even slower
  • cutting across 3 lanes and bringing traffic to a screeching halt, to make a last-minute left turn

Fascist State -- Pitchfork IconQuestionable Social Skills

 

  • staring vacantly at a TV in the corner of the restaurant all throughout dinner
  • talking while eating, spitting food all over the table in the process
  • ignoring your child as he pitches a fit and makes life miserable for everyone else in the room
  • telling a story that takes hours to finish, then has a completely anti-climactic ending
  • suggesting splitting the dinner check evenly, when your meal cost twice what everyone else’s did
  • asking a question, then responding to a text while the other person tries to answer
  • chewing on a pen or pencil that doesn’t actually belong to you
  • inviting someone to a party full of strangers, then not bothering to introduce that person to anyone
  • looking around for something more interesting to occupy your attention while another person talks
  • honking your horn to let someone know you’ve arrived, instead of going to the door
  • making yourself a little too much at home the first time you visit a stranger’s house
  • filling up your plate at a buffet with a lot of food that you have no intention of eating
  • leaving trash on the table in a self-serve restaurant, because “that’s what they pay these people for”

Fascist State -- Devil IconSelf-Absorption

 

  • commandeering both airplane seat arm rests, forcing your neighbor’s hands into his/her lap
  • blessing out a waitress or shop clerk for something that is clearly beyond his/her control
  • never participating in a conversation that you can’t turn back to yourself and your interests
  • waiting until the other person has just gotten into a television show, then changing the channel
  • filling the seat next to you on the train with your crap, while others are forced to stand
  • cutting someone else in line because you’re running late (which means “you didn’t plan ahead”)
  • never talking about anything without trying to prove that you’re the smartest one in the room
  • blocking traffic waiting for a car to exit a parking space, when there are 30 empties a few aisles over
  • mounting an outdoor floodlight that shines directly in your neighbor’s bedroom window
  • smoking as you go down the sidewalk, spraying a stream of noxious fumes on anyone behind you
  • not turning the car off while inside a store, so you won’t have to wait for his air to cool back down
  • throwing bottles and cans in the trash, even with a recycle bin sitting less than a yard away
  • blocking the aisle with your shopping cart while you peruse every item on the shelf

Fascist State -- Pitchfork IconMisuse Of Technology

 

  • putting every call you receive on speakerphone, then getting irritated at others for eavesdropping
  • posting stupid meaningless comments on a web page, just to make a comment
  • having dual conversations on 2 different cell phones at the same time
  • relying on your GPS to the point of refusing written directions, even when you’re lost
  • using Facebook or Twitter to tell folks what you’re eating
  • calling on your cell when you get there rather than making plans to meet at a specific time
  • having a cyborg-looking bluetooth headset sticking out of your ear when you’re not on the phone
  • responding to a request for specific information by leaving a voice message that says, “call me”
  • driving all over the road because you’re doing it one-handed, while texting
  • getting in the self-checkout lane, but clearly having no clue how to use the scanner
  • posting another’s content on your website without proper credit, thinking s/he will never notice
  • touching a computer screen with your finger while pointing something out, leaving a smudge behind
  • treating your doctor’s office as your own personal phone booth, making loud calls while you wait

Fascist State -- Devil IconCultural Brain Damage

 

  • using redundant phrases, like “8 AM in the morning” or “it was an unexpected surprise”
  • dressing in matching outfits with your spouse and kids, regardless of whose idea it was
  • bitching about the crappy job that politicians are doing, then admitting that you don’t vote
  • using an apostrophe when trying to make a word plural
  • updating everyone on the latest episode of a reality show they couldn’t care less about
  • landing on a new word/phrase that makes you feel cool, then inserting it into every sentence you use
  • giving your children rhyming first names, or names all starting with the same first letter
  • dissing universal health care in Canada when you’ve never visited Canada or known a Canadian
  • not actually understanding that “irregardless” is not a word
  • wearing your pants off your ass and cap backward as a middle-aged suburban accountant
  • believing everything Fox News tells you without checking their facts
  • pushing your grade-school-age children around in a stroller
  • trying to win a political argument on Facebook

Fascist State -- Pitchfork IconVocational Incompetence

 

  • making someone repeat his/her account info and verification 3x during a single customer service call
  • refusing to get your kids vaccinated because you’re afraid it will cause autism
  • reciting the list of specials when waiting on a table after those diners have said they’re not interested
  • not writing orders down at a restaurant, then coming back 5 times to ask for clarification
  • spending your work day hanging over another’s desk, keeping him/her from getting anything done
  • picking one person out of the crowd while giving a speech, and staring him/her down while talking
  • telling your kid it’s not nice to hit, then beating the kid’s ass
  • not understanding when a marketing campaign has gone from “cute” to “annoying”
  • washing hair at the salon for 15 years, and still getting soap in a customer’s eyes every time
  • saying you’ll arrive for a repair appointment by 11 AM, but not showing up until 4:30 PM
  • giving someone a bad look when s/he asks your child to stop kicking the seat for the 12th time
  • leaving a patient waiting in the exam room for 2 hours, wearing nothing but a paper gown
  • giving a demanding patient an antibiotic when that person a virus, just to shut them up

Fascist State -- Devil IconTerminal Cluelessness

 

  • acting surprised when you’re asked to take the change out of your pocket at airport security
  • walking in one direction while looking in an entirely different direction, oblivious to oncoming traffic
  • smiling and joking like it’s funny, as your child puts his sticky hands all over a stranger
  • not deciding what you want to order before reaching the front of a fast-food checkout line
  • joining a common feeder line at the post office, then being unaware when it’s your turn
  • carrying on a long conversation with a cashier, when there are people waiting in line behind you
  • stopping dead in the middle of the sidewalk with no warning, causing a pileup behind you
  • sitting in the middle of the row, then getting up 27 times during the movie
  • telling your child, “don’t do that” over and over again when the kid is clearly ignoring you
  • acting as if nothing is happening while your dog jumps and slobbers all over someone
  • riding your bike on the road, but assuming that you’re immune to stop signs, lights, and traffic laws
  • putting your dogs in the open bed of a truck, while driving down the interstate at 75 miles an hour
  • blocking an entrance to drop off someone who could have easily walked from a parking space
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Ramona Creel is an award-winning 15-year veteran organizer and member of the National Association Of Professional Organizers. As well as having birthed “The A-To-Z Of Getting Organized,” Ramona is also the author of “The Professional Organizer’s Bible: A Slightly Irreverent And Completely Unorthodox Guide For Turning Clutter Into A Career”—and the creator of more than 200 “quick-start” business tools and templates for use by productivity professionals. She writes seven different blogs, has worked with hundreds of clients, and has delivered scores of presentations on getting organized. Ramona resides on the roads of America as a full-time RVer—living and working in a 29-foot Airstream. Learn more at and RamonaCreel.com.

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4 Responses

  1. AlexOH says:

    Re: wearing pants off your ass and cap backward, I’m reminded of Jeff Foxworthy’s (paraphrased)line, “If you mother still drives you to school, pull your pants up and turn your cap around, you ain’t no gangsta!” :)

  2. Ramona says:

    Ha ha — I thought of that too when I saw some 40-year-old geeky white guy trying to look like Tupac in a suburban Atlanta mall — grow up!

  3. Christine says:

    Here’s one for the “Stands A Good Chance Of Being Flattened By Another Human” category:
    I was walking across campus, a few years back, on a rather windy day. Some twit approached me, walking in the opposite direction, and at the exact second he and I passed one another, he sneezed. It was a wet, sloppy sneeze, and he made no effort to cover his nose and mouth. The wind blew the mist from his sneeze onto my face, and about a day later, I came down, big time, with what he had.

  4. Meredith says:

    I just discovered & love your site, thank you so much for it!

    Regarding:

    1. “getting in the self-checkout lane, but clearly having no clue how to use the scanner”

    But we all had to use the self-checkout scanner for the first time at some point, right? Sure it irritates me being stuck behind a slow person as well, but hey, we’re all works in progress.

    2. “blocking an entrance to drop off someone who could have easily walked from a parking space”

    Onlookers often can’t accurately determine who can and can’t easily walk from a parking space, simply because so many mobility-reducing afflictions aren’t visible.

    While I would be tempted to agree if you meant passengers who exuberantly leap from a car & run into an entrance, I can still think of valid reasons that they “could have easily walked” may not be accurate, because in some cases, mobility isn’t the issue either.

    Thanks again for all your work here; you’re very amusing & clearly extremely skilled – this is a very quirky, enjoyable site! :)

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