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A Glossary Of Child-Free Terms

You may have heard words like “breeder,” “DINK,” “baby rabies,” or “mommy mafia” before and not known what they meant. We're all about education around here (even if it's a biting and sarcastic sort of school lesson!) And I never want it said that I kept anyone in the dark about anything when I could have shown them the light — so I've taken it upon myself to introduce my readers to the complete no-kidding lexicon.

A Handy Pocket Translator

I really only intend these snarky little posts as a stress-reliever for my voluntarily childless cohorts — but apparently the conscientious moms and dads who have to put up with crappy parenting from others are even less tolerant of the breeder mentality than those of us who have shunned reproduction altogether. I had no idea I would get such fabulous response to my list of derogatory terms for children — especially from friends who actually own them! The hands-down favorites amongst my parent-pals were “sproglodyte” and “mini-me” (and one high school classmate has nicknamed her tot “the shriekling”) — who knew these people had such a sense of humor about their offspring? Wink This positive natalist feedback has given me the confidence to go even deeper — I cordially invite you to join me on a journey through the land of sub-par parenting, pregnancy-objectification, child-worship, and misplaced values!

But let's be clear up front — these terms were never intended for those good parents who are actually doing their best to raise the next generation in a responsible and loving manner. That's why you get your own special nickname in this glossary — PNB (“parent-not-breeder”) to distinguish you from the teeming masses. Hope you enjoy — and again, if you've given birth and are easily offended, best that you just toodle off to some other blog post right now, rather than sending me hate mail!

  • baby rabies (what happens when someone is so desperate to get pregnant that nothing else seems to matter — they appear to have been infected by some kind of reproductive virus, and focus on this one goal to the exclusion of all other priorities in life — baby rabies is often fatal, killing marriages and careers and friendships — it can also lead the particularly disturbed to experience pseudocyesis or “hysterical pregnancy” — someday, we hope to develop a vaccine)
  • baby dance (sex between two people who are so heavily in procreation mode that the act serves no purpose other than to impregnate the female — there is very little joy or passion associated with the baby dance — it is perfunctory, goal-driven, and usually disappointing on many fronts)
  • baby stalking (what happens when new parents decide to convert a child-free individual by showing endless pictures of their little darling, telling daycare and poopie diaper stories, and trying to get the party in question to hold the tiny sproglette — they assume that since their baby is the center of their lives, it will hold as much fascination for everyone else — wrong!)
  • breeder (one who reproduces without giving any thought as to how he or she will take care of a child for the next 18 years, who does little to nurture or discipline that offspring during its most formative years, who exhibits a remarkable lack of responsibility when it comes to child-rearing, who sees the kid as nothing more than a way to vicariously relive his/her youth or a tool for accomplishing some ulterior motive, and who should frankly have the kid taken away and a forced sterilization performed to prevent future issue — entirely different from an actual responsible “parent” or “PNB”)
  • breeder bingo (all those annoying things that breeders say to the child-free in an effort to convince them that their decision is wrong, and that they are shirking their societal duty by not reproducing — “you look at it differently when it's your own child” — “you'll forget all about the pain of labor” — “who will take care of you when you're old?” — “what if your parents had decided not to have kids?” — “she will be precious with your eyes and his nose” — “your biological clock is ticking” — “the children are our future” — “parenthood is the most important job in the world” — “don't you want your parents to have grandchildren?” — “don't you like kids?” — “what if your child grows up to discover a cure for cancer?” — and “it's selfish to keep your future son or daughter from experiencing the world” — that sort of thing)
  • breeder brain / placenta brain (a progressive brain-wasting disease that happens to some folkswhen they have kids — includes a selective form of autism in which they only think of their children, can talk of nothing but baby-issues, and are incapable of focusing on anyone else's needs or priorities — also incorporates a level of amnesia which causes the parents to forget all about the friends and interests they had prior to birth, lose track of what they are talking about in the middle of a conversation, and forfeit all capacity for planning ahead — sometimes this condition clears up when the child enters school, but many times, it becomes a chronic life-long problem — the direct cause of the completely irrational brand of “mom logic” and “dad logic” displayed by breeders who make decisions and issue orders that aren't even loosely rooted in reality)
  • breedermobile / pampermobile / moovan / sproggenwagen / S-Moo-V / sprog utility vehicle (a mini van or SUV that is overflowing with kids and their related paraphernalia — easily recognizable by the fact that it's swerving all over the road as mom is too busy talking on her cell phone, breaking up a fight, or searching for the baby's bottle to pay attention to her driving — usually plastered with a baby-on-board signs, soccer-mom emblems, or “my kid is an honor student at such-and-such school” bumper stickers — the interior is cluttered with sports equipment, discarded homework, toys, at least one car seat, and scatterings of cheerios or goldfish or fruit roll-ups — don't get in wearing good clothes or you might stick to something!)
  • breeder-pleaser (someone who feels the need to compliment and suck up to breeders with crappy parenting skills — known for telling mom and dad how precious that little darling is, even though it's clear the kid is a complete brat and the parents should be sentenced to remedial child-rearing classes — many times it's a child-free person who is either trying to score points with the breeder in question, or who is afraid of hurting the person's feelings by being honest about what an obnoxious twerp his or her offspring has turned out to be)
  • breederville (a neighborhood that is predominantly populated by families with children — easily identified by the profusion of kindercrap cluttering the yards, the presence of mini vans and SUVs in the driveways, and the numbers of jogger-moms out pushing their spawn in those oversized strollers with the off-road wheels)
  • child-burdened (those parents who endlessly bitch about what a burden their kids are as a ploy for attention — these complaints are often delivered in the sanctimoniously exhausted tones of a life-long martyr — intended to elicit murmurs of approval and compliments about what a dedicated parent he/she is)
  • child-free (not the same thing as being “childless” — “childless” suggests that you actually wanted kids and couldn't have them — “child-free” is someone who has consciously chosen not to reproduce and whose life is not at all lacking without a small house ape taking up their time and space — the “free” part indicates that they never wanted it in the first place and are better off for not having it, as in being “debt-free” rather than “debtless”)
  • childless by choice (often mistaken for “child-free,” but actually a very different concept — the “child-free” don't want kids and take active measures to avoid ever getting pregnant for any reason — “childless by choice” would be willing to have them under the right circumstances — examples include those who are infertile but would have the baby if they popped up preggers, those in a relationship with a child-free person who would have kids if that partner changed his or her mind, those who are waiting for marriage to breed and can't seem to find a suitable spouse, and those with a medical condition prevents parenting but who would switch gears in a heartbeat if a cure were discovered — sometimes called “wannabreeders” if they are vocal about their willingness to get knocked up)
  • diaper-whipped (a breeder who lets a spoiled child run roughshod over him/her — whose kids scream and cry and pitch temper tantrums in public — whose children throw things and make messes and generally inconvenience the other adults in the room — and who act as if they have no control whatsoever over the situation, with much wringing of hands and ineffectively telling the kid “no,” without actually doling out any discipline)
  • DINK / THINKER (terms to describe the reproductive and financial status of those without children — “DINK” is “double income, no kids” — “THINKER” is “two healthy incomes, no kids, early retirement”)
  • egg donor / sperm donor (a breeder who participated in the act of reproduction, then had very little involvement in the resulting child's life — deadbeat dads, absent mothers, you know the type)
  • entitlemoo (a female breeder who presumes that her ability to carry a child entitles her to special treatment by the rest of society — she sees pregnancy as less of a voluntary choice and more of an exalted medical and social status, using changing hormones and a distended abdomen as an excuse for abdicating all real-life responsibility and being waited on hand and foot — as her uterus swells, she apparently loses the ability to walk across a parking lot, stand in line, cook a meal, or take care of herself in any way, expecting others to feed her grapes and massage her feet while she reclines on silken pillows — in this woman's mind, gestation equates to goddess worship, and she feels insulted when she is treated as less than a queen while she procreates — of course, this entitlement mentality does not end with the child's birth, but is passed on to the next generation, creating a spoiled brat who believes the world owes him something for simply existing on this planet)
  • freaklitter / fucktuplets (an entirely unnatural multiple birth, caused by the Octomom-style overuse and abuse of fertility drugs — these people usually claim it was “God's will” that they have so many children at once, forgetting that God intended they be infertile and it was actually medical science that gave them eight or nine fetuses at once — and many times, although they seemed entirely capable of paying for tens of thousands of dollars worth of insemination procedures, the breeders involved claim to be unable to afford to care for their multitude of babies without assistance from corporations, neighbors, and the government)
  • free-range children (those obnoxious, out-of-control, undisciplined kids you see running around Wal-Mart pulling things off the shelves or pitching a fit in the middle of a meal at your favorite restaurant — these children have never seen a paddle or a belt or the backside of a parent's hand — the breeder in charge either ignores the child, hoping the small holy terror will just go away, impotently tells the kid “no” without actually doing anything to stop the bad behavior, or sighs resignedly while wearing a defeated expression on his or her face — of course, if anyone else should attempt to discipline the child or stop it from engaging in a potentially dangerous act, the parent will pitch a fit and call social services — to be avoided at all costs)
  • golden boy (the perfect son of a male breeder who feels his manliness is incomplete without a penis-bearing offspring — guaranteed to be a spoiled brat and fledgling sexist, having been taught since birth that he is inherently more valuable than any female in the room)
  • grandbaby rabies (what happens when older couples are so desperate to have grandchildren that they browbeat their child and in-law with the subject every possible chance — known to employ underhanded tactics such as guilt, emotional blackmail, bribery, and personal insult in order to get their way — can become entirely unreasonable and intolerable when their own offspring have chosen a child-free lifestyle)
  • heir and a spare (couples who hedge their bets by having two kids — they keep an extra waiting in the wings, just in case the first one doesn't live up to expectation or fails to make it successfully to adulthood)
  • kid plague (the cloud of infection and contagion that hangs over every human under the age of 12 — despite this constantly germy and unhygienic state of being, breeders regularly allow these walking bacteria-factories out in public while still sick, which allows them to spread their disease among healthy child-free adults in the area — to be avoided at all costs)
  • kindercrap / kinderspullen (the scattered assortment of plastic toys and toddler-sized paraphernalia that clutters the homes and yards of breeders — the easiest way to spot a breederville neighborhood)
  • kinderwhore / prostitot (those poor little girls who spend their childhood being tarted up to look like slutty teenagers and paraded around on a stage for the purpose of winning pageants and boosting their breeder-parents' egos — a sad commentary on the state of modern parenting, a-la JonBenet Ramsey)
  • Kodak moments (those idealized “snapshot” experiences that make parenting so special — learning to ride a bike, Christmas morning, tossing a football in the front yard, trick-or-treating, birthdays, etc. — fictionalized accounts often used in breeder bingo to try and convince the child-free how precious raising a baby can be — unfortunately, these occur much more rarely than the meltdowns, temper tantrums, dirty diapers, snotty noses, and emptied bank accounts)
  • mombie (a blend of “mommy” and “zombie” — used to describe those suffering from an extreme case of breeder brain, due to a combination of exhaustion and too many days spent baby-talking in isolation from other adults — who wander slack-jawed and glass-eyed through their days, incapable of coherent conversation or rational decision-making)
  • mommy mafia (a group of stay-at-home-moms who band together to attack and harass any individual or organization that dares suggest their children are not the center of the universe — they engage in what they view as “activism” but what really amounts to “selfish bullying” in order to get their way — their reactions are usually aimed at defending an irresponsible breeder whose child has shown his ass in public — for example, when a mom and toddler are evicted from a restaurant or theater or store because of bad behavior, the mommy mafia is prepared to mobilize and protect their right to inconvenience everyone else in society — protests, letter-writing, media campaigns, and boycotts are their favorite tools)
  • mommy voice (that condescending and patronizing tone a female breeder uses when speaking to a decidedly inferior child-free adult — pretty much the same voice they use with a petulant and unruly 3-year-old — it's insulting when they speak to kids this way, and doubly so when “the voice” is used on grown-ups — if you're over the age of 18 and someone speaks to you in a mommy voice, feel free to stamp on her foot — then tell her, “If you're going to treat me like I'm a toddler, I'm happy to act like one for you”)
  • mommyism (a special form of ovu-feminism that apparently only belongs to those who have given birth, and in all reality, flies in the face of true feminism and equality — the philosophy is based on breeders being given special rights above and beyond those of child-free women — these include time off from work for sick taking care of kids but not for sick pets, maternity leave when sabbaticals for other personal projects are not allowed, additional maternity insurance benefits, special parking spaces for the gestational, etc.)
  • mompetition / mompetitors (these insanely competitive female breeders for whom everything is a game of one-up-man-ship — they push their kids to always be the best at everything, heap on the guilt and disapproval when a child falls short, and blame others for not allowing their offspring to meet their full potential — they end up raising either type-A overachievers, spoiled entitlement-mentality brats, or wimpy kids who seriously doubt their own abilities — ironically, they are not interested in a true meritocracy, just in winning — these are the parents who sue the school when Susie isn't chosen for the cheerleading squad or Johnny doesn't make the honor roll)
  • moo (stands for “mother obsessed with offspring” — usually refers to a breeder who is bovine in nature, moving as slowly and aimlessly as cattle — their ceaseless kid-oriented noise is known most commonly among the child-free as “mooing” or “lowing” — a related species is the “oblivamoo,” who exhibits an exceptional level of cluelessness about how to parent and discipline her children)
  • PNB (stands for “parent-not-breeder” — describes someone who is a good, responsible parent — intended to distinguish positive parenting from breederhood)
  • sextrophy / fucktrophy (the child who serves no purpose except to show off the breeder's reproductive prowess — mean? yes — but an apt description for some folks who view procreation as a means of validation)
  • snip (to get a vasectomy or tubal ligation — a permanent birth control solution)
  • snowflake / goldensprog (those perfect-precious-little-darlings who are taught from birth by their parents that they are unique and special, much more special than anyone else on the planet — they grow up to feel the world owes them everything, with an entitlement-mentality to the nth degree — the worst possible spoiled brats out there)
  • sproggenfrau / womban (a woman who defines her identity and measures her worth by her ability to reproduce — she is nothing without her children)
  • stork parking / stork spot (one of those ridiculous parking spots set aside for those with a bun in the oven, designed to treat gestation as a handicap rather than a choice — entirely against the spirit of a healthy pregnancy that involves walking under your own steam for exercise — also entirely unenforceable, as there are no laws attached to “expectant mommy” parking the way you have with “disabled” spots — parking in these spaces and sauntering flat-bellied into a store is a favorite form of protest among child-free women who insist that you can't tell whether or not they have a fetus inside them by simply looking at their appearance)
  • tit-nazi (a female breeder who is so obsessed with breast-feeding in public that she goes out of her way to shove her exposed boobs in any face she possibly can — turns her entirely defensible legal right to feed her child without shame into some sort of natalist protest, and ends up hurting her own cause in the process)
  • winnebago stroller / SUV stroller (those ridiculously oversized pimped-out carriages that are known to block sidewalks and store aisles, clip unsuspecting child-free ankles, and generally annoy everyone in the vicinity — favored by breeders who either need to bring everything they own whenever leaving home, or those who continue to push their kids around in public until they are in ready to graduate high school)
  • yup-moo / SMUM (those well-off professional women who see their children as lifestyle accessories rather than people — they often breed and then hand their babies off to a cadre of nannies, housekeepers, and “childcare management workers” while they return to their important careers and busy social lives — they buy their children the best possible opportunities in life, and are willing to spend any amount of money to NOT have to invest time in their formative years — these kids are enrolled in gymboree, infant development programs, and an endless parade of afterschool enrichment activities — they often end up over-scheduled, stressed-out, and as devoted to the superficial signs of success as their parents — the acronym SMUM stands for “smart middle-class uninvolved mother”)