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My Favorite Derogatory Terms For Children

Fascist State -- Preggers BarbieIf you spend any time around child-free crowds (and I’m talking about those who’ve intentionally chosen not to have kids, not folks who couldn’t for biological reasons or simply haven’t gotten around to it yet) — you’re likely to hear some not-so-affectionate nicknames for other people’s offspring. You might think that this is sort of bitchy and petty of us, but let me tell you it’s often well-deserved — especially when those kids are acting like complete jerks!

It truly isn’t that we all hate children — I happen to know some very intelligent, well-behaved, enjoyable little rug rats out there who I’m proud to have call me “Aunt Ramona.” What I (and most of my cohorts) can’t stand are those kids who run roughshod over their parents — who scream and cry and pitch temper tantrums in public, who throw things and make messes and generally inconvenience the other adults in the room.

Even more intolerable are the parents who allow this sort of behavior — either ignoring the child in question, or ineffectually telling him “no” over and over without actually disciplining him. We no-kidders are here to let you know that your lack of control over your offspring is unacceptable. But society won’t let us just walk over and slap you — and if we report you to DFCS for neglect, they aren’t going to do anything. So the best we can manage is to be snarky at you and your little twerp behind your backs (I love the modern passive-aggressive sensibility!)

These are some of the CF community’s favorite ways of referring to an annoying, brat-tacular, out-of-control child. Most seem benign enough to me (although you probably wouldn’t feel that way if I were referring to your child in particular) — but they do get meaner as you move down the list (parents, if you’re easily offended, stop reading NOW!) Let me begin with the mildest of terms, the ones that I almost can see as terms of affection:

  • crib lizard
  • bratleigh
  • rug rat
  • house ape
  • yard monkey
  • ankle biter
  • sproglodyte
  • spawn
  • sperm-lette
  • larvae
  • precious-little-darling (said in a tone dripping with sarcasm)
  • mini-me
  • golden sprog
  • oops
  • litter
  • crayon gobbler
  • creepy crawler
  • munchkin
  • shriekling
  • floor monster
  • muff monkey
  • bratzilla
  • linoleum lizard
  • flesh loaf
  • snot monster (great for when your friend’s children are endlessly leaking from the nose)
  • crumb cruncher
  • nipple nibbler
  • poop factory
  • my precioussssssss (said in a frighteningly possessive Golem-like voice)

I’m going to tell you right now that I found the next batch online, scattered throughout a number of venom-filled voluntarily-childless forum posts. I personally try not to get this pissy about even the worst kids — please do your best to reserve these for the children of really crappy breeder parents:

  • uterine chum (gross!)
  • hellspawn
  • fetal parasite
  • fartling (I personally hate the word “fart,” but it’s so much cuter when it’s little)
  • twat snot (ugh!)
  • devil’s issue
  • nose-miner
  • semen demon
  • sperm vermin
  • DNA drippings
  • Damien
  • booger-eater
  • daddy’s little squirt
  • condom chewer
  • sperm and egg omelete
  • frankenspawn

Exceptionally angry child-free folks who have just been run over by a stroller or had some stranger lecture them about why they are wrong for not having kids may use one of many “crotch” oriented phrases to describe a babe-in-arms (I’ve only included a few favorites to give you the basic idea, and you’re certainly welcome to replace the “crotch” part with another popular c-word, if you wish — but I have to admit that these amuse me to no end):

  • crotch-dropling (all-time best phrase I’ve ever heard!)
  • crotch nugget
  • crotch cricket
  • crotch fruit
  • crotch biscuit
  • crotch candy

And probably the two meanest but quite often most apt phrases of all:

  • cunts-n-runts (just don’t even go there — I know it’s bad!)
  • fucktrophy (for the child who serves no purpose except to show off the parent’s reproductive abilities — this one makes even me go “yikes!” and should really only EVER be used in public when a day filled with hordes of screaming babies is followed by a lot of alcohol)

Don’t tell me the child-free have no sense of humor!

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Ramona Creel is an award-winning 15-year veteran organizer and member of the National Association Of Professional Organizers. As well as having birthed “The A-To-Z Of Getting Organized,” Ramona is also the author of “The Professional Organizer’s Bible: A Slightly Irreverent And Completely Unorthodox Guide For Turning Clutter Into A Career”—and the creator of more than 200 “quick-start” business tools and templates for use by productivity professionals. She writes seven different blogs, has worked with hundreds of clients, and has delivered scores of presentations on getting organized. Ramona resides on the roads of America as a full-time RVer—living and working in a 29-foot Airstream with The Husbert and two fur-babies. Learn more at GettingOrganizedAToZ.com and RamonaCreel.com.

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11 Responses

  1. Blackwind says:

    Wow. This makes me want to invent nasty and dehumanizing names for childfree people.

    • Elizabeth says:

      And they say having a baby makes you ‘more mature’, and a better person! Lol. You definitely disproved it, at least in your case. The list is meant as a joke. (Not that CF people don’t refer to ill-behaved children as the names ON this list…) Believe it or not *GASP*, CF people have been called far worse names than the ones we jokingly call your ‘crotch trophy’. People who are actually interested in being unselfish (though ‘selfish is a term breeders just LOVE calling CF people), would be to adopt a child who is already BORN. Not bring another child into the world, simply because you feel your genetics are so extraordinary and special (FYI – for every genius, there are a million+ duds) Children aren’t nearly as much of a problem as their unplesant, overly entitled parents though, who find some sort of sick joy in hating on people who don’t want kids. It reeks of jealousy.

  2. Ramona says:

    Ya know, we’ve been called plenty of nasty and untrue things by the “breeder” population (selfish, barren, irresponsible, lonely, immature). That’s what prompted this rant in the first place — if those with kids weren’t so damned condescending about the choice not to have them, there would be no need to strike back. ;)

  3. LOVE THIS! says:

    Great list. My hubby and I have “children” but they have four legs and tails and we prefer to keep it that way. Totally understand your irritation with the “breeders” of the world and how annoying it is they criticize us childfree people bcause we choose not to spit out brats. And I’ve heard all of the insults too and boy I have had to deliver a number of nasty readings to many breeder snots. I almost didn’t get married for fear I’d be stuck with a child-obsessed guy but I lucked out and we’re both completely on the same page. This country is too fixated on children anyway. I mean it’s fine to have them if you want them. Just don’t force pregnancy, childbirth, and childrearing on me ha ha.

  4. Wade says:

    I want to give you a big THANK YOU for making me laugh the hardest I have laughed in ten years. A friend of had facebooked a photo introducing the latest addition to his family. Maybe after being a Dad and a Cop for 27 years I have only seen the worst out of kids. And what I wanted to post to my friend was …..My Condolences. My friend “gets” my sense of humor, so I sent him a private message after I had looked up some additional derogatory terms for children….and told him (to quote “Animal Mother” from “Full Metal Jacket”) “Better you than me.” And after I had read your rant “What’s Your Favorite Derogatory Term For Children?’….I laughed until I pure hurt. I began to read more of your posts and I must tell you that I think you are soooooo COOL……and I ‘get’ you. I love my kids, but my Chihuahua is alot more precious and adorable. There were a few Kodak moments, but they are few and far between and long gone. I assure you this…you have not missed a thing and I have often told my friends that if I knew then what I know now,….I woulda cut my nuts off so fishing would be alot more fun. Oh, and even my sixteen year old laughed when I told him he was a ‘f*#Ktrophy”….he gets me though. Please be safe and thank you for being you.

  5. Calliope says:

    Blackwind sounds like as much fun as a pile of dead babies!
    Take this for what it is, ya used up douche. A JOKE. (Or did having crotch loaves suck all the humor out of you, along with anything good?) CF people endure MUCH worse name calling from breeders brains… so in good fun, we refer to your ‘spechul widdle sneauflakex’ with humorous names. Making a baby ISN’T special in the least. You’re no different than a roach in reality – they breed just like you! Having a baby just means you can dump a load in a vag, or take on IN your vag. Get over it, get your granny panties out of a knot, and go take care of YOUR semen demons, rather than trolling pages meant for childFREE people who have senses of humor. (Or, go back to ‘mommy-blogging’ and bitching about ‘those blasted, horrible childfree people, who just don’t know WHAT we’re missing’… (FYI – we do. Which is why we have chosen NEVER to have children.) But as I said before, go fetch your kids from in front of the TV/babysitter, and do some actual parenting. I’ll be over here, relaxing, with no worries of children to drive me crazy. :)

  6. LadyVanTassel says:

    Hi everyone,

    Firstly, I love this blog!

    I am wondering if anyone here can help me?

    In a breeding-obsessed culture that constantly reminds me that my only means of fulfilment is to reproduce, I am a 31-year-old woman trying very hard to make a considered decision as to whether to become a parent.

    1) I respect child-free people and have particular respect for those rare parents who have really managed to stay in touch with reality and maintain a sense of self (Wade, your post was amazing).

    2) Babies drive me up the wall but I love interacting with children once they are old enough to communicate. Changing diapers and cleaning up baby vomit does NOT appeal to me (especially having watched my child-minding mother do it for the first 15 years of my life!) but the thought of asking my kid what they did at school today really, really does. I am under no illusion that the time spent looking after a baby will not be arduous and demeaning (indeed, it may well drive me nuts) but I really want to raise a happy son or daughter.

    3)I have cysts on my ovaries and have been told I probably don’t ovulate (though confusingly, I seem to have no symptoms of PCOS) and though everybody says I am still only young, I am living under the constant menace of a ‘ticking biological clock’. At times I panic at the thought that my time is running out but I am equally frightened of rushing into having a child only to find I regret it afterward.

    4) My father was a monstrous bastard who emotionally and verbally abused me throughout my teens and twenties and I am worried I may repeat this behavior with my own child (or that my kid will inherit whatever genetic defect caused my father to behave in this way, since he was not badly treated by his own parents and was outwardly ‘normal’).

    5) Lastly but very importantly, I have a wonderful husband who will genuinely support me in whichever decision I make. He would like children, but is equally happy not to have them – especially as he recognizes that I’m the one who’s going to have to push them out! (grin)

    So this is my situation. I know that the fact I am agonizing over this means I am not child-free, but I nonetheless respect the viewpoint of this blog and can see that there is real hope of receiving some intelligent responses to my post. If anyone has any advice, please reply to me as it may make this very difficult time just that bit easier.

    Thanks for your time and apologies for the long post.

  7. Andrew says:

    Most of these are used as terms of endearment by parents. Very confusing list.

  8. Shane says:

    Loved this article!!!
    My personal name for them is ‘spawn’.

  9. crotch dumplings

    twat nuggets

    cunt maggots

    leeches

    parasites

    overpopulation

    potatoes

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