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My Favorite Derogatory Terms For Children

Fascist State -- Preggers BarbieIf you spend any time around child-free crowds (and I’m talking about those who’ve intentionally chosen not to have kids, not folks who couldn’t for biological reasons or simply haven’t gotten around to it yet) — you’re likely to hear some not-so-affectionate nicknames for other people’s offspring. You might think that this is sort of bitchy and petty of us, but let me tell you it’s often well-deserved — especially when those kids are acting like complete jerks!

It truly isn’t that we all hate children — I happen to know some very intelligent, well-behaved, enjoyable little rug rats out there who I’m proud to have call me “Aunt Ramona.” What I (and most of my cohorts) can’t stand are those kids who run roughshod over their parents — who scream and cry and pitch temper tantrums in public, who throw things and make messes and generally inconvenience the other adults in the room.

Even more intolerable are the parents who allow this sort of behavior — either ignoring the child in question, or ineffectually telling him “no” over and over without actually disciplining him. We no-kidders are here to let you know that your lack of control over your offspring is unacceptable. But society won’t let us just walk over and slap you — and if we report you to DFCS for neglect, they aren’t going to do anything. So the best we can manage is to be snarky at you and your little twerp behind your backs (I love the modern passive-aggressive sensibility!)

These are some of the CF community’s favorite ways of referring to an annoying, brat-tacular, out-of-control child. Most seem benign enough to me (although you probably wouldn’t feel that way if I were referring to your child in particular) — but they do get meaner as you move down the list (parents, if you’re easily offended, stop reading NOW!) Let me begin with the mildest of terms, the ones that I almost can see as terms of affection:

  • crib lizard
  • bratleigh
  • rug rat
  • house ape
  • yard monkey
  • ankle biter
  • sproglodyte
  • spawn
  • sperm-lette
  • larvae
  • precious-little-darling (said in a tone dripping with sarcasm)
  • mini-me
  • golden sprog
  • oops
  • litter
  • crayon gobbler
  • creepy crawler
  • munchkin
  • shriekling
  • floor monster
  • bratzilla
  • linoleum lizard
  • flesh loaf
  • snot monster (great for when your friend’s children are endlessly leaking from the nose)
  • crumb cruncher
  • nipple nibbler
  • poop factory
  • my precioussssssss (said in a frighteningly possessive Golem-like voice)

I’m going to tell you right now that I found the next batch online, scattered throughout a number of venom-filled voluntarily-childless forum posts. I personally try not to get this pissy about even the worst kids — please do your best to reserve these for the children of really crappy breeder parents:

  • uterine chum (gross!)
  • hellspawn
  • fetal parasite
  • fartling (I personally hate the word “fart,” but it’s so much cuter when it’s little)
  • twat snot (ugh!)
  • devil’s issue
  • nose-miner
  • semen demon
  • sperm vermin
  • DNA drippings
  • Damien
  • booger-eater
  • daddy’s little squirt
  • condom chewer
  • sperm and egg omelete
  • frankenspawn

Exceptionally angry child-free folks who have just been run over by a stroller or had some stranger lecture them about why they are wrong for not having kids may use one of many “crotch” oriented phrases to describe a babe-in-arms (I’ve only included a few favorites to give you the basic idea, and you’re certainly welcome to replace the “crotch” part with another popular c-word, if you wish — but I have to admit that these amuse me to no end):

  • crotch dropling (all-time best phrase I’ve ever heard!)
  • crotch nugget
  • crotch cricket
  • crotch fruit
  • crotch biscuit
  • crotch candy

And probably the two meanest but quite often most apt phrases of all:

  • cunts-n-runts (just don’t even go there — I know it’s bad!)
  • fucktrophy (for the child who serves no purpose except to show off the parent’s reproductive abilities — this one makes even me go “yikes!” and should really only EVER be used in public when a day filled with hordes of screaming babies is followed by a lot of alcohol)

Don’t tell me the child-free have no sense of humor! Wink