RamonaCreel.com

“Who are you?” Oh my lord — huge question!

Well my first answer would be “My name is Ramona — and I’m the one who says “fuck” all the time.” (Sound like I’m attending a Profanity-Anonymous meeting. Which frankly, I prolly should.)

Given one of those dingleberry “self-identify-in-50-words-or-less” quizzes, I’d be hard-pressed to concoct an answer that makes anything resembling logical sense. As a year-round wandersluster, I’m all about exploration — but nothing’s quite so comforting as returning to a home port for some tribal reconnect. My top priority is whatever’s “new” — yet I’m a sentimental sucker for reliving the past. I’m the hardest working lazy person you’ve ever met (freakishly productive for someone who might go a full eight hours without ever changing position), a highly-spiritual non-theist, a bleeding-heart who adores personal accountability, a hyperbolicious pragmatist.

What can I say? I’m a professional contrarian. “Walking contradiction in terms” is a GROSS understatement!

Some days I work dawn-to-dusk, others I’m lucky if I put on pants. (“Commando” equals “ready-for-action!”) Regardless, I’m each-second-of-every-minute-engaged in a perpetual process of simplifying my existence. Yet there’s not a single frigging moment of moderation in my day — I’m thrive-y-est going 90 miles an hour, mere steps ahead of the few-too-many-irons-in-the-fire that perennially threaten to singe my delicate tush.

I’m pierced, I’m tattooed, I’ve a pet tarantula and an unhealthy passion for skull décor — but I squee at pics of baby platypi in fedoras or mice holding tiny teddy bears. My idealist-self sees the world in terms of possibility — while my dark side’s fascinated by holocaust lore, serial killers, and the bottom-most chasms to which humans have sunk. I’m an optimistic cynic. A serious-minded smart-aleck. A joyously exuberant thinker. (And the hardest working lazy person you’ll meet!) I openly admit that I’m inconsistency incarnate, but that’s what makes me so damned entertaining. (Or so I’m told by those who lie to keep me quiet.)

Call Me A “Life Coach” And I’ll Have To Smack You

I believe the most interesting vocations are the ones you make up — and oh-my-god-yes, the more the better! I consider myself to be “multi-passionate,” a Renaissance Woman, a jackass of all trades — that’s why my current titles include:

• Authenticity-Guru-And-Fixer / TrueJunkie Czar / H.M.F.I.C. / Queen-Of-Frigging-Everything
• “Self-Sabotaging-Beliefs-Lack-Of-Healthy-Boundaries-Unnecessary-Complications-Living-Somebody-Else’s-Definition-Of-Success-And-General-All-Around-Bullshit-Excuse”Whisperer
• Minister Of All-Those-Annoying-Questions-You-Either-Dodge-On-Purpose-Or-Forget-To-Ask-Yourself-But-Really-Need-To-Face-If-You-Want-Your-Existence-To-Ever-Flipping-Improve
• Your Go-To Gal For Holistic-Life-Decrapification-And-Suckage-Reduction, Business-Bad-Assery, Creative-Heiney-Booting-And-Grab-The-World-By-Its-Gonads-Authenticity-Embracement

A Wild Irish Rose By Any Other Name

If you’re looking for a shrinking violet, I’m most assuredly NOT your gal! “Spitfire” is the word most often used to describe this particular brand of redhead — strong-minded, adventurous, unceasingly intellectually curious, and largely incapable of boredom. (Your stereotypical extrovert!)

(And to answer your question, yes I am a natural ginger. Although as I get older, I get blonder and blonder. So I decided “fuck that!” and moved into the land of L’Oreal Feria Power Reds — drapes-matching-the-carpet-be-damned!)

I never apologize for who I am, lie when asked for an opinion, or avoid speaking up. I pet any animal that crosses my path (whether they like it or not) — converse with every sapien I meet (whether they like it or not), and am a pathological hugger. While I’ll happily play “crazy Aunt Ramona” for your crotch-droplings, I don’t want or need my own. (The best kids are always those I can give back once the fun’s done!) I swear so much that I make truck drivers uncomfortable. My hobbies include starting a ruckus, disrupting the status quo, running around naked, causing a whole lotta trouble in the process. And I wholeheartedly embrace the philosophy that”while there is no ‘I’ in ‘team, there’s a big fucking one right at the start of ‘independence,’ ‘individuality,’ and ‘integrity.'”

I consume books/movies (especially non-fiction and documentaries) like food. But I also believe that it ain’t a good day unless you end up dirty and bleeding. My musical tastes are all over the board — a typical playlist might include Beethoven’s 7th, some Ella, a little Nine Inch Nails, followed by a touch of Conchords-TMBG-Garfunkel-And-Oates-style foolishness. You couldn’t pay me to watch televised sports (although you can give me a LOT of alcohol and I might agree). However, I do love the occasional live slap-shot, especially if I’m guaranteed a good hockey fight. (I’m largely pacifist, but come on — blood bounces on ice!)

As far as I’m concerned, “new day” equals “costume party” — glitter, wigs, crazy hats, themed outfits, and military surplus wear are the norm. But I’m also on an endless quest for extreme dress-up opportunities. (Faires or Cons or Burns — pretty much any excuse to don fangs, poke black-out contacts in my eyes, slather on some body paint, and legitimately run around half-naked in public.) I gots nine piercings above the neck, an ever-expanding collection of pretty sweet ink, and I can rock a boardroom blazer (paired with biker boots and a mini skirt) like nobody’s business. I will fashion you to DEATH!

Been self-employed for more than 20 years, a full-timer for greater-than-a decade, and not especially good at living a “conventional” life since birth. I’m a modern Renaissance woman, a proud jackass-of-all-trades. (Us career-ADDers would rather die than settle for just one job title. That’s why I’m a fixer/ass-kicker and a not-so-tortured artist, a talking head and a wordsmith, a philosopher and a wanderluster — all at the same time!)

Applying Burning Man Principles To My Life And Biz

I’m a Burner, mah sweetie is a Burner — we may not be able to make it out there every year, but we’ve got playa dust lining every crevice, body-paint-and-glitter in places you don’t want to know about, and a love for

We’ve built our default-world life around Black-Rock-City ideals, and I’m proud to say that my TrueJunkie community embraces the same principles.

That having been said, welcome home! What took you so long? We’ve all been waiting for you — I’m so glad you’re finally here!

Unfortunately we can’t roll you in desert-dirt to mark the occasion — but if you want to head out into the yard, engage in a little DIY, and post a picture in the comments, you will make my freaking day!

(Extra points if you make the picture naked-except-for-20-strings-of-beads-and-a-rainbow-colored-tutu like my usual BRC couture!)

• radical inclusion (around here everyone is welcome — black lives matter, LGBTQ lives matter, pasty-white-girl lives matter, otherwise-privileged male lives matter, muslim-and-christian-and-jewish-and-atheist-and-everything-in-between — I believe that we all need a little more authenticity in our lives, and that’s why no one is EVER excluded because of the circumstances from whence they sprung — fair warning, I expect everyone who visits my  treat every other person here like family — doesn’t matter who you are or what you do for a living, where you live or how much money you make — we are all equal, we all have something of value to contribute, and this is a place where every last motherflippin’ one of us can be heard)

• gifting (I absolutely hate the “what’s in it for me?” mindset this country has developed — stop keeping score and do something nice for someone else, for no other reason than it just fucking FEELS good — it makes me happy to provide folks with shit-tons of free content, to include random unexpected goodies when folks make a purchase, to celebrate my TrueJunkie members with “Dime Bags Of Swag,” to surprise folks out of nowhere with a mailed thank-you-great-job-hang-in-there cards — we’ve intentionally structured our community to encourage sharing, crowdsourced coaching, and a “how can I help you out?” spirit — in honor of Burning Man’s “low-income ticket program,” I also offer scholarships to those who couldn’t otherwise afford authenticity training, through specific partner non-profit social service agencies — a percentage of every purchase you make supports these scholarships, giving those who are trying to get back on their feet a cray-cray-true support network to watch their backs — if you’d like to contribute a little extra to this mission, just lemme know!)

• decommodification (you’ll notice that my web pages ain’t all cluttered up with banners and pop-ups and all that other advertising-feces that you find splattered across so many other sites — that’s because I believe my crew should be able to partake of my content WITHOUT being assaulted every five seconds by some sort of plea to take their money — I’ve been an entrepreneur for more than a quarter-century, and I have nothing against capitalism, so long as it’s ethical-unobtrusive-restrained-and-respectful-of-the-customer — that having been said, you will NEVER find yourself spammed or click-baited or otherwise abused on my watch — I’m a believer in permission marketing, not that in-your-fucking-face-and-jam-it-down-your-throat techniques so many others seem to embrace)

• radical self-reliance (don’t misunderstand what’s meant here by “self-reliance” — we’re not talking about going it alone with no help from anyone, we’re talking about encouraging folks to discover their hidden inner resources and put those to work in their daily lives — too often, we find ourselves trapped in a state of learned helplessness, feeling impotent and stuck and at the mercy of forces beyond our control — but that only happens when we handed our agency over to someone else — living “true” is about reclaiming your power, choosing your path through this world, and not allowing ANYTHING to get in your way — too many people these days bitch and moan and sit on their asses waiting for each complaint to magically resolve on its own — TrueJunkies choose instead to develop a sense of resourcefulness, learning how to problem-solve and think critically, to ask the right questions and engage others in the community when they need a little extra help — around here, you’re in the driver’s seat of your own authenticity experience — the goal is that eventually, that sense of self-efficacy will move beyond the borders of RamonaLand, radically changing the rest of your life as well)

• radical self-expression (well obviously, I’m a big fucking fan of this one! seriously though, each of us has gifts that only we can share with the world — each of us has something to say and a way of saying it that no one else can express in the same way — TrueJunkies express themselves authentically, and encourage others to do the same, without censorship — as long as you heed that “don’t be a dick” rule, you never worry about “watching your mouth” around here — we also encourage all kinds of crazy-ass creativity — whatever joyful noise you make, however you splatter your colors across life’s canvas, our community of TrueJunkies is here to cheer you on)

• communal effort (regardless of whatever “pull-yourself-up-by-your-own-bootstraps” bullshit folks like to spew, no one in this world does ANYTHING on their own — and don’t try to pull any of that “pioneering spirit” nonsense on my — real pioneers have always relied heavily on other people, balancing compromise and cooperation with diversity, acceptance, and encouragement — don’t believe me? go watch Frontier House and talk to me about how well any of those folks would have done sans the help of their neighbors, regardless of all their modern intellectual advances — every TrueJunkie’s got a part to play on life’s larger stage — maybe you’re a technician or an educator, a philosopher or a clown, a manager or a greeter or the dude cheering folks on from the audience — every role is valuable, and we’re all here to actively show up for each other so each and every one of us can achieve our goals)

• civic responsibility (we have exactly one rule in RamonaLand: don’t to be a dick — this ain’t not about censorship or protecting a bunch of special snowflakes from getting offended or needing everyone to agree — it’s about relearning the subtle art of respectful debate after a prolonged period of out-of-control assholery in the name of “telling it like it is” — this particular piece of perfidiousness has become a state-sanctioned excuse for mass-inconsideration, passive-aggressive hate-speech, and the self-righteous-cancel-culture shutting-down of other viewpoints –but these jackasses who hide behind a warped profession of candor don’t have the first fucking clue what radical honesty looks like — you know, the kind of deep, meaningful conversation between folks from ideologically-different backgrounds that happens when they’re attempting to god-forbid actually understand each other, and possibly even discover some common ground upon which they might both comfortably stand — THAT is what I and my crew of TrueJunkies are all about! — those who can’t manage that don’t belong here — and those who do belong here are 100% responsible for calling that sort of crap out when they see it — TrueJunkies choose to deal exclusively in constructive, supportive, caring discussion — preferably with a healthy sprinkling of expletives and a snarky no-nonsense attitude, thrown in for good measure — we prove on a daily basis that it’s entirely possible to question something with which you disagree while remaining kind — and we firmly believe that there’s zero nobility or integrity in lashing out at total strangers without understanding thing-one about their situation — that’s the sort of behavior we expect from spoiled toddlers, not adults who are focused on authenticity, growth, and community — in that regard, we are a 100% muthafuckin-child-free zone!)

• leaving no trace (living “true” goes far beyond what just what you do for yourself, it’s about contributing to community, caring for your fellow sapiens, and taking care of this chunk of rock we all call home — that’s why a goodly bit of my podcast/vodcast/blog discussion focuses on ways to function in a greener, healthier, less-damaging-to-you-and-them-and-the-world-we-live-in manner — Matter Out Of Place, otherwise known as “moop,” is a big no-no at Burning Man — and it’s a keystone principle of authenticity, both philosophically and literally — just like in Black Rock City, you see ANY moop, whether you created it or not, it’s YOUR responsibility to address it)

• participation (I firmly believe that the more you participate, the more you stand to gain — it means getting excited about stepping out of your comfort zone, ‘cuz that’s where the magic happens, where you learn and grow and evolve — my own personal definition of participation is to always be saying “what do you need?” or “how can I help?” — but that may not suit you — of course we want every TrueJunkie to participate, but you’re 100% free to particpate in your own way, and will not be shamed if you do things differently than someone else — just as you decide what “authentic” looks like for you, you also choose what you want your TrueJunkie experience to look like, and what sorts of activities are going to give you the most value — if you want to do the exercises and not share, fine — if you want to lurk-and-learn through other people’s conversations, that’s okay too — if you want to jump in with both feet, dominate the leader board with your level of contribution, and be everyone’s BFF from day one, that’s totally cool as well — hell, simply asking for help when you need it might be a HUGE push of the envelope for you, and this tribe will cheer you every last step of the way — we gots space for all y’all crazy muthafuckas!)

• immediacy (this program is all about immediacy — this isn’t some course where you read a bunch of shit and think about it for a long time and MAYBE put it into action years down the road — every single DAY, I’m going to be challenging you with immediate ways to start to change your life, one tiny step after another — in order to get the most from these exercises, you need to actually do them — not tomorrow or next week or next month when you “find” time, but make the time NOW, a daily self-care ritual, the same way you make time to brush your teeth — I also encourage you to embrace the unplanned and unexpected — you never know when an idea or a discussion or an encounter, something completely unpredictable is going to spark your interest, fan the flames of your passion, and send you off exploring in a whole new direction — if I’ve learned anything at Burning Man, it’s that life is most gloriously rewarding when you follow those serendipitous shiny squirrels — yes being productive and staying focused are good things, but life is meant to be lived, not structured — don’t be so tied to your “plan” risk the magic of the whole experience passing you by — shift the meeting so you can have a conversation with a fascinating stranger, bump the business guide down your reading list to make space for a brightly-colored book on creativity, worry a little bit less about your to-do list and more about the breadth of your experiences)

Driving Y’all Crazy Since 1972

I’ve been told (repeatedly) that Vesuvius would have a hard time keeping up with me. But folks who call me “energetic” are being kind. (I’m closer to hypomanic, and would certainly have been medicated as a child if Ritalin tablets were handed out like Lifesavers in the 70s — the way they are now.)

I talk fast and am genetically lacking a functional volume control. (“Inside voice?” What is this thing of which you speak?) I must also have some Italian mixed in with my Scots-Irish background, much as I flail while conversing. (Wanna shut me up for good? Handcuffs.) I spend most of my life saying “we’re gonna need a bigger bucket.” Best of all, I’m blessed with a multifarious excess of ideas that keeps me going nonstop for days on end — that is, until I run face-first into a brick wall.

Think ferret. GO-GO-GO-GO-GO-GO-GO-GO-GO-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

It’s corny, but I’m also the quintessential student of life. Every soul I encounter comes equipped with a paradigm-changing lesson — so I work hard to wake up surrounded by the most fascinating freaks possible. (I’m the smartest person in the room? Time to find a new room!) A semi-pro sociologist, I can’t stop analyzing the world around me — picking up new ideas, sticking them in my pocket, taking them home to examine later like a kid collecting rocks. (Until mom forces me to choose my one favorite and toss the rest.)

Combine a plethora of double-espresso-strong opinions with an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, the end result is a never-ending game of “devil’s advocate” — where NO subject (politics, religion, parenting, sex, money, plastic surgery) is taboo. I affectionately drive my peeps nuts, grilling them about anything and everything that crosses my mind. (Though I’ve swapped childishly innocuous “why-is-the-sky-blue?” queries for more annoying imponderables like, “What if there were no such thing as a hypothetical question?”)

Putting The ‘Mad’ In ‘Mad Skillz’

I remember the first time a well-meaning leadership-development-pal suggested that I needed a “bio.” When I asked why, she replied, “It highlights your accomplishments and talents. It makes you appear credible to your clients. It’s the core of your branding. ” (Yeah — I’m pretty sure this AIN’T what she had in mind!)

After a few moments of patiently tolerating my typical Ramona-esque smart-assery, this friend presented me with six stupidly simple questions. In the coachiest-possible way, I was tasked with clearly (not a problem) and concisely (always a challenge) providing an answer for each.

And so I began to pinpoint my own personal grand unification theory. My singular focus in life. The thread that ties everything I do, am, and believe together. (Even though Mr. Hawking eventually recanted, I’m still convinced such a thing is obtainable!)

This exercise served me so well, I now foist these profundity-filled posers onto all my clients. (And you. You’re welcome.) Having been taught not to end a sentence on a preposition, here’s with what I came up:

• my passion — helping folks see the world just a squidge differently (hopefully filled with a bit more possibility) than they did before they met me

• my core value — to bring my daily choices into alignment and integrity with my core values so I’m living as “true” as muthafuckin-humanly-possible

• my vision — making the world a better, happier, more fulfilled-loving-connected place by creating a global culture where folks are encouraged to embrace and nurture their authentic selves

• my mission — to spread the gospel of simple, successful, succulent living with anyone and everyone I meet (whether they want to hear about it or not!)

• my motto — you can either craft a life you truly love or continue to tolerate the second-rate, ill-fitting, not-quite-how-I-want-to-be-doing-things one that’s been handed to you (your choice)

• my top 5 skills — translating vague-yet-overwhelming dreams into concrete/attainable action plans, showing my tribe how the world looks from a brand new angle they never before considered (usually while providing some much-needed perspective in the face of a self-sabotaging belief or behavior), employing innovative “we-ain’t-just-thinking-outside-da-box-we’re-freaking-destroying-it” problem-solving that helps mah peeps overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles, communicating ideas in a creative lightbulb-over-the-head-a-ha-inspiring way, motivating folks to find their passion and follow through on their goals

A List Of My Change-Your-Life Superpowers

My clients are often surprised (nay, amazed) at how much I can accomplish during an ass-kicking session.

Doesn’t matter if we’re talking the chronically-cluttered, wanna-be-or-be-better-entrepreneurs, or trying-to-hit-the-road-RVers — folks have no clue until they work with me what it means to move at “Ramona-speed!”

It just so happens that (in addition to bargain-finding and good parking karma), I also possess a sizable number of impossible-problem-solving-seemingly-insurmountable-obstacle-overcoming-holistic-all-flavors-of-chaos-and-clutter-eliminating-priority-laser-focusing-fear-removing-doubt-destroying-dream-realizing super powers.

I can also see you naked through your clothes. Just sayin’.

I’m faster than a p-touch labeler, more powerful than a rubbermaid storage tub, able to leap stacks of unopened mail in a single bound! So I decided to catalog my skills a-la the DC/Marvel universe — with my sexy black sequined luchador mask and comic book high-heel boots, you can call me “The Orginatrix:”

• cloaking (I can camouflage anything that my clients don’t want lurking about in their field of vision, so it’s nearly impossible to see — I’m talking boxes and tubs and piles of stuff virtually disappearing in plain sight — but the really awesome part is that when they need a particular item again, it magically reappears, exactly where they were expecting to find it!)
• spatial and temporal manipulation (I often squeeze papers into files, and activities into the calendar, and things into drawers/closets/cabinets/containers where the laws of physics say they shouldn’t fit — it is 100% possible to create more space and time, if you know a few secret methods for stretching the fabric of the universe — which fortunately, I do!)
• intuitive aptitude (this makes me an empath — skilled at reading my clients’ emotions and feeling their pain as if it were my own, then using that information to identify both the source of their misery and a solution that will alleviate their frustrations — it also means I’m able to analyze complex systems and instantly understand how they work, with almost no effort )
• energy absorption (I capture and dispel any negative vibes affecting my clients, the kind that might otherwise keep them from being able to focus — instead of allowing fear or worry or a bad hair day to derail their organizing efforts, I use a power I call “reframing in the face of perpetual perkiness” to draw those limiting beliefs out, just like sucking poison from a wound)
• duplication (I make it seem as though there are 3 of me working, we get so dadgummed freaking much done in a session — while I haven’t quite mastered the art of cloning, I’m so focused and so fast that my clients swear they saw me setting up a filing system in one room, while decluttering a closet in another, while simultaneously building shelves in a third)
• resurrection (I bring objects back from the dead, breathing new life into their discarded carcasses — no, I’m not creating zombie butter tubs here — this power is all about reusing, recycling, and repurposing — turning an old rake head into a belt rack, a pair of stretched-out leggings into a holder for extra plastic bags, or toilet paper rolls into sock organizers)
• eidetic memory (I’m able to recall the systems clients have used, how they’ve labeled files, and where they’ve put things away, even a decade after our last appointment — it sort of freaks folks out, when I come back to work with them months or even years later, and know exactly where their tax records or photo albums or bread machine live — sorry about that)
• x-ray vision (I can see every pile that clients have stuck in an enclosed space, be it cabinet or box or drawer, without ever opening it — even the stacks they’ve squirreled away in the attic, the basement, a locked closet — they’re always shocked when I ask, “What about the stuff in here?” — but they’re grateful later on when I’ve made them confront all that hidden clutter)
• hypnokinesis (the sound of my voice alone sends clients into a calmed and focused trance state, perfect for organizing — it’s sort of like what happens during a guided meditation — except that instead of falling asleep like I always do when I start chanting “ohhhhhhhhm,” they remain fully awake and conscious and in serious-get-it-done-decision-making mode)
• force fields (I can set up a wall of energy designed specifically to contain clutter — a protective bubble that shrinks the stacks, holds the chaos in, and keeps it from spreading — however, this boundary only lasts long enough to get that pile out of the house and into the trash, recycle, or donate bin — after that, all bets are off, and you’d better look out!)
• shapeshifting/transmogrification (I turn useless items into functional organizing tools, almost like magic — hand me an old shoebox, an empty bottle, a lidless Tupperware tub, a bent fork, and I’ll create something spectacular — even better, give me time to bling it up and you’ve got a masterpiece that pleases the eye as well as serving a practical purpose)
• portal creation (I’m able to open cosmic doors, through which unwanted discards disappear into another dimension — some of these gateways are called “paper recycling” and “e-waste,” others might bear the label “donation” or “auction sale” or “craigslist” — but whatever the form of egress, my clients’ clutter vanishes without their having to lift even a single finger)
• chronokinesis (I can slow the clock, allowing clients to get twice as much done as other “normal” people in the same space of time — rather than getting distracted bopping back and forth between different projects, my folks stick with a task until they actually complete it — how, you might ask? — by training these grasshoppers in the ways of focus — watch and learn)
• stealth (I get dozens of to-dos done right under my clients’ noses, without them even realizing I’ve moved from my seat — in the 30 seconds it takes to make a decision about a piece of paper, I’ve already set up a half dozen storage areas, emptied their junk drawer, created a system for incoming mail, set up electronic in-box filters, and alphabetized their spices!)
• echolocation (I can sense obstacles as I move through an unfamiliar space, even with my eyes closed — this helps me not only root out hidden clutter, but keeps me from tripping over stuff and banging my elbows and filing workman’s comp on every job I do — well, I probably still need workman’s comp, but just from general klutziness rather than lack of awareness!)
• mind-reading (I get inside my peeps’ heads to the point that I can almost hear their thoughts and feel their feelings — it’s spooky how often a client will have trouble articulating a concern or fear or organizing roadblock — that’s when I reach up, pull it out of thin air, and put it into words — and no, I will not get out of your head! — it’s warm and cozy in there!)
• invisibility (going through the piles with my clients and getting them to mirror my actions along the way encourages these disorganized folk to stay on task as we sort and discard — but it only works if the mimicry isn’t obvious and I’ve been removed from the equation — good thing that when I’m in full-on body-doubling mode, my peeps forget I’m even in the room!)
• telepathy (my homies understand what I’m saying, what I’m thinking, what I want them to do without me ever having to open my mouth — the raise of an eyebrow, a subtle-yet-meaningful hand gesture, a slight clearing of the throat — this is all it takes to get my point across and move a stuck client into gear — so much more time-efficient than a regular conversation!)
• reality warping (I can physically change my clients’ surroundings, bending it with the sheer will of my mind — I think about a closet and the clothes arrange themselves by season and color — I glance at a shelf and the books are magically sorted categorically and alphabetically — I turn toward the desk and an entire color-coded filing system springs to life — it’s glorious!)
• superhuman speed (the good news is that I get more done in a single organizing session than the law allows — the bad news is that I’m genetically incapable of moving slowly, and my clients occasionally suffer from whiplash, watching me tear back and forth from one pile to another — I whiz! — I whoosh! — I zoom! — energizer bunny ain’t got nothin’ on me!)
• death touch (I simply lay my hands on a piece of clutter, and it withers right before my client’s eyes — you can see the life being literally sucked from that extraneous, superfluous, unnecessary “thing” — as all color drains away, it turns to ash, and whatever’s left is blown into nothingness by a passing breeze — fortunately, the valuable stuff is immune — whew!)
• superhuman endurance (I can go and go and go, organizing for hours and hours and hours on end without tiring — fortunately for those less-than-motivated clients, Mount-Vesuvius-level energy is contagious — when my folks start to falter, I turn  “crapping out” into “cleaning out,” infecting them with enough of my get-up-and-go to last through the end of the session)
• matter reduction (I can reduce a useless pile of “stuff” or an overstuffed in-box or even a crammed-too-full schedule by at least half, just by looking at it — clutter cowers at the sight of me — calendars hide when they hear me coming — paper piles tremble as I enter the room — there’s nothing like striking fear in the heart of an inanimate object to make your job easy!)
• energy resistance (I’m immune to any negative vibes my clients emit during our organizing sessions — anger, frustration, irrationality, they ka-pwing right off me — it’s like the “I am rubber” thing that was so annoying in grade school, just without the “and you are glue” part — whatever bounces off my peeps disappears in the air, rather than sticking to them)
• mind control (I can regulate my clients’ thinking and behavior, keeping all negative self-talk and illogical decision-making at bay — the minute they start beating themselves up over that 15th black sweater with the tags still on it, or talking about how they’ll need a green shag toilet rug from the 70s “someday,” I pull out the serious telepathy and shut that shit right down!)
• entropy projection (one of my favorite science projects is turning potential energy into kinetic energy, getting organizationally sedentary folk moving where before they were stuck — I like to give my clients a little physics lesson on “inertia,” with me serving as the external force that acts upon resting matter — we’re all about a body-in-motion-staying-in-motion around here!)
• time travel (I take clients back to an earlier day to figure out where they left something that was misplaced, or remember a to-do they forgot, or even discern what life event caused a certain choice — hindsight is 20/20, so I help my peeps make the most of those ah-ha moments — using that insight to create better systems and make smarter decisions in the future)
• probability manipulation (the mere fact of my presence increases the likelihood of my clients successfully accomplishing their goals — together, we manipulate reality in a way that supports what my folks want most in life — causing paths to clear, obstacles to disintegrate, opportunities to appear out of nowhere, and resources to materialize out of thin air)
• elasticity (just like Plastic Man, I can stretch and bend and twist to reach spaces clients haven’t accessed in years — it’s absolutely amazing the stuff I find crammed behind a bookcase, hidden under a bed, wedged into some far-off-and-forgotten corner of the attic — my favorite thing to hear during an organizing session is, “Oh my god! I’ve been wondering where that went!”)
• precognition (thanks to my handy-dandy organizational third eye, I can predict the future — especially the potential consequences of my clients’ not-so-productive daily habits — I can spot time management potholes and clutter pitfalls in the road 100 miles off — but I always carry a bucket of tar and some extra gravel with me for smoothing those suckers out)

I also have an awesome leather catsuit and whip that my clients love.

(Oh wait — that’s my S&M outfit. Dammit!)

No Pants, No Filters, No Boundaries

At my core, I have a Scarlett-O’Hara-sized “passion for living” — and I mean that in the most outrageous Clark Gable voice you can dream up. I’m happiest when I’m busting through barriers (even if I break my neck and kill a dozen innocent bystanders in the process). I’ll try just about anything once (except rocky mountain oysters or haggis). I derive immense joy from attempting that which I’ve never done before (despite the tremendous likelihood of failing miserably). And I couldn’t imagine better last words than, “Hey guys! Watch this!” (Or maybe, “Hold my drink!”)

• if I ask an inappropriately personal question, it’s because I don’t do small talk, I don’t do chitchat, I need deep connections, and I want to get to know you — the real you, the person deep inside that you normally hide away from the rest of the world

• if I’m too loud and seem to be a constant stream of interruptions, it’s because I’m enthusiastic — because something you said or did lit a spark inside of me, got me excited, and makes me want to engage even more fully with you

• if I invade your personal space, it’s because I’m a hugger — something in you tells me we are kindred spirits, that our souls are crying out for even deeper connection, that our hearts need to touch

• if I use harsh language, it’s because I trust you enough to speak to you in a raw and real manner — to move beyond political correctness and talk about things that really matter

• if I challenge you, it’s because I believe that we have something to teach each other — that you’re articulate enough to express why you feel the way you do, open enough to hear the same from me, confident enough to broaden my horizons, and strong enough to incorporate new perspectives into your own belief system

• if I make an off-color joke, it’s because I feel that I’ve found someone with a genuine and boundless sense of humor — who can laugh at anything, who understands that the only way to vanquish fear is by finding humor in dark places

I’m the most lovable pain-in-the-ass on the block. And even with all my faults, I must be doing something right — I’ve been a-suckin’ the marrow out of life since 1972, and ain’t choked on the bone yet.

Undoubtedly TMI (par for the course), but certainly a fair summation. If I haven’t scared you away by now, feel free to delve deeper. But proceed at your own risk — you have been warned!