RamonaCreel.com

I’ve always had a problem with organized religion. I can’t stand the corruption that accompanies institutionalized belief — no one group ever convinced me that they had things 100% figured out (although Pastafarianism comes pretty close). I wanted to pick and choose the bits I liked best from each practice and paste them together into my own doctrine — thanks to the internet, I can do just that! While visiting an awesomely irreverent bleeding-heart-liberal-Citadel-graduate (how does that happen?) I discovered to the Universal Life Church — these folks will ordain you as a minister instantly, online, for free. (My kind of theology!) Minutes after seeing my bud’s certificate hanging in a place of honor by the liquor cabinet (he said “either there or over the toilet”), I became an honest-to-no-god woman of the cloth — my cloth is leather!

This isn’t a joke — the folks at ULC take their mission very seriously.  In 1959, the church began investing individuals with the power to preside over their own flocks — even (as in my case) a flock of one. They disagree with the idea that spiritual leadership should be an elitist profession or exclusive club, requiring the payment of thousands of dollars for a piece of paper consecrating one’s “ism.” Moreover, they don’t endorse a particular dogma or set of handed-down-by-an-invisible-man-in-the-sky-then-misinterpreted-by-a-bunch-of-zealots rules — ULC actively includes all denominations and convictions, christians and satanists, agnostics and atheists, the non-religious and anti-religious. Bringing people of ANY worldview together — a endearingly open-minded custom that more traditional churches seem to have overlooked.

I’m legally allowed to perform marriages, funerals, baptisms, exorcisms, and last rites (added to my resume, no less). I can even absolve others of their sins — so I hereby issue a decree of universal amnesty for all who subscribe to my blogs! Far from being a stunt or scam, ULC petitioned the Supreme Court to officially sanction online investiture, and won. I’m legit, baby — whether you like it or not! Those who argue that you need “advanced training” to proselytize should check their facts — not a single founder of a major religion had an advanced divinity degree. Jesus was a carpenter, the apostles were fishermen, Mohammed was a shepherd, and Buddha was a spoiled rich prince — so why not a professional-organizer–author–coach–photographer–speaker-cum-full-time-RVer?

And if you think I’m discounting your faith with my cynicism, please know that I’m not — I have no interest in devaluing your chapel, mosque, or synagogue by setting up my own virtual house of prayer. I’d simply like to have something that I (as a skeptical left-leaning agnostic) can believe in — and being a do-it-yourself kind of a gal, this seemed the best possible option! Besides, if a dipshit science fiction writer like L. Ron Hubbard can legally form a religious non-profit and have otherwise seemingly-intelligent people who ought to know better fall for his drivel (tithing millions of tax-free dollars a year to support his search for the mothership) — why can’t I have my own church? I’m not even asking for donations or 501(c)(3) status! The thing is, I truly do love what these people stand for. ULC has always fought for underdogs and the oppressed, offering assistance to those who’ve been marginalized and disenfranchised — you know, like churches are supposed to do. They consider all people universally equal and encourage folks to live their lives as they see fit — feeling that it’s up to each individual to determine what’s right, as long as it doesn’t infringe upon anyone else’s pursuit of happiness and is within the law. (Libertarian religion — now there’s a teaching I could worship!) They accept both evolution and same-sex marriage without question — promoting rational thought, “eternal progression” (what a great phrase), a fuller life for everyone, and doing that which is right. Most importantly, they embrace the precept that we’ve already been ordained by god, with or without the stupid certificate. (John 15:16 — you didn’t choose me, I chose you!) I’ve dedicated my life to searching for (then sharing as loudly and obnoxiously as possible) those universal truths that help us better understand each other — so formalizing things through ULC was a no-brainer!

I’m also in good company. My non-sectarian family includes celebrity ministers like Mel Blanc, Richard Branson, Johnny Carson, Cyd Charisse, Sammy Davis Jr., Abbie Hoffman, Denis Leary, Alanis Morissette, Paul Newman, Madalyn Murray O’Hair, Anthony Perkins, Jimmy Stewart, Sharon Stone, Hunter Thompson, John Waters, Mae West, and the Beatles — quite an interesting mix of free-thinkers. Of course, that jackass Glenn Beck is also in the crowd — but we’re tolerant of any ideology, no matter how moronic!

My organization has very little dogma and no formal weekly service — Just get outside to enjoy a little nature and we’ll call that “Sunday School.” In fact I hesitated even setting up “commandments” — I don’t do well with ultimatums, at least four-possibly-five-depending-on-how-you-look-at-it of the tenets Moses brought down feel pretty self-indulgent (like a spoiled toddler screaming “pay attention to me!”), and I’m quite certain that my god would NEVER give a micro-crap about blasphemy.

Graven images and keeping the sabbath holy — so does mounting a bobblehead on your dashboard or going into the office on the weekend make you a danger to society? (I’m all about encouraging folks to value people over things and avoid workaholism, but come on!) Honoring mom and dad is great — but why just them? Why not also “honor thy teacher” or “honor that crazy aunt who lets you get away with the fun stuff your parents tell you not to do” or maybe just “honor all living creatures?” And while we’re on the subject, what about all this “thou shalt not kill” nonsense? Where does capital punishment and self-defense and war fit into that bigger picture? None of it makes any sense to me!

I’ll tell you whose basic principles do actually make sense to me (and yes, as I type this I can hear all the right-wingers who mistakenly stumbled upon my site running away screaming “Blasphemy!”) — The Church Of Satan and the spin-off group The Satanic Temple. These folks are actually quite reasonable in their beliefs, and (stupid stereotypical Hollywood tropes to the contrary) do NOT sacrifice children summon demons or want to bring about the end of the world. (How is factually-inaccurate crap like Rosemary’s Baby and Die Hand Die Verletzt and American Horror Story: Apocalypse is okay — when a similarly-veined misrepresentation of christians would start a socio-political shitstorm in this country!)

I’m way more on board with the “satanic sins” (all but the one about “lack of aesthetics” — I feel that poor taste should be more of a punishable-by-jail-time crime than a full-out sin):

• stupidity — people going along with whatever they are told

• pretentiousness — empty posturing

• solipsism — projecting your reactions, responses and sensibilities onto others

• self-deceit — hypocrisy

• herd conformity — allowing yourself to be enslaved by the whims of the many

• lack of perspective — losing sight of who/what you are, what a threat you can be

• forgetfulness of past — failing to keep the wider historical/social picture in mind

• counterproductive pride — gets in the way of meaningful experiences and relations

The Satanic Temple (in particular) embraces a number of tenets that seem far more reasonable and meaningful and likely-to-effect-actual-positive-change than the outdated, no-longer-relevants nonsense from the bible:

• one should strive to act with compassion and empathy toward all creatures in accordance with reason

• the struggle for justice is an ongoing and necessary pursuit that should prevail over laws and institutions

• one’s body is inviolable, subject to one’s own will alone

• the freedoms of others should be respected, including the freedom to offend. to willfully and unjustly encroach upon the freedoms of another is to forgo one’s own

• beliefs should conform to one’s best scientific understanding of the world. one should take care never to distort scientific facts to fit one’s beliefs

• people are fallible. if one makes a mistake, one should do one’s best to rectify it and resolve any harm that might have been caused

• every tenet is a guiding principle designed to inspire nobility in action and thought. the spirit of compassion, wisdom, and justice should always prevail over the written or spoken word.

The Church Of Satan (on the other cloven hoof) is a tad more in-your-face-about-their rules — however, I am 100% behind edicts like “do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself” And my flat-out favorite is “when walking in open territory bother no one, if someone bothers you then ask him to stop — if he does not stop, destroy him.” We could put an end to personal violence, sexual harassment, and bullying in a single day! You get one chance — then actions have consequences, muthafucka!

But I’ve decided that we need a new set of rules for a new era:

Thou shalt treat everyone with respect and dignity, whether they deserve it or not.

Thou shalt not go out of thine way to hurt anyone’s feelings deliberately.

Thou shalt try to engage in a little friendly intellectual debate, every day.

Thou shalt put thine talents (whatever they be) to good use.

Thou shalt take a moment each day to look around you and appreciate your good fortune.

Thou shalt not spend beyond your means, or accumulate debt you can not pay off.

Thou shalt practice common freaking sense as part of your daily ritual.

Thou shalt remember to let those in your life know that you love them.

Thou shalt try to keep an optimistic outlook, knowing that it always does get better.

Thou shalt never allow your beliefs to infringe upon anyone else’s happiness or freedom.

If (after all that) you’re interested in joining the congregation, come on in! The posts of high-priestess extraordinaire and official-sage-and-guru-in-perpetuity are already taken, but I’m accepting applications for acolytes, deacons, and molestation-free altar boys — as well as territorial prelates, apostolic exarchs, and auxiliary bishops. (I have no idea what those are, but I do love a ridiculously pretentious title!)