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Never Had ‘Em, Never Wanted ‘Em (What ‘Intentionally-And-Joyously-Blissfully-Childfree-In-RamonaLand’ Looks Like)
As I full-time my way through life, I love that I get more queries about my reproductive status than my RV! (I never know if they’re prompted by a sense of “how-the-hell-does-one-manage-this-existence-dragging-a-pile-of-kids-along?” wonderment — or a desire to call DCFS on the crazy lady who runs around naked, swears like a trucker, and exhibits questionable role-modeling skills. To be fair, either concern is legit.)
Childfree Agenda Or Conscious Choice?
My explanation to these procreationally-quizzical folk (that I’m officially “childfree”) is often met with a confused “quoi?” kind of a look — as if I just spoke in esperanto. (Well technically, more like I gave them really crappy instructions for rebuilding the carburetor on a 1973 Dodge Dart — in esperanto.)
Even more fun are those who take honest-to-jehoshaphat offense, as though their need to breed were somehow being impugned by my lack thereof. They immediately assume a defensive posture. “Do you hate children? Do you hate parents? Are you anti-family? Trying to outlaw minor-aged humans in public — like all those “smoke-free” bars and restaurants?
Naw.
(Although tot-banning is an admittedly attractive concept when some poorly-disciplined crotch-dropling is screaming in my ear, pitching a nearby fit, or otherwise acting like a little asshole — but naw.)
Many of my no-kidder friends turn pissy when asked to clarify (or worse justify) their stance on gestational abstention — but not me. Perpetual pedagogue that I am, I adore these “teachable moments.” I’m being handed (over and over again, apparently) a series of golden opportunities for a little education about how wrong, stupid, and inappropriate nearly every societal assumption about voluntary non-parenting really is.
So let’s start with a semantics lesson, shall we?
Pity The Poor No-Kidders — Not!
As I type, I’m peering out of my computer screen, watching some of you die-hard-mom-and-dad-types roll your eyes at the idea of “childfreedom” — just another pointlessly politically correct term, right?
Not even close.
The suffix “-less” indicates deficiency — “destitute of,” according to Merriam-Webster. But logic dictates that if I never felt compelled to own a small house-ape, I can’t be considered deficient for not having one my life. It’s psychologically impossible to experience loss over that which arouses no desire. (For example, if you find RVing distasteful, it would be ridiculously insulting of me to suggest that you’re missing out by refusing to hit the road — right for a single individual don’t make it so for everybody.)
Let’s get one thing straight — me-minus-a-mini-me ain’t destitute of squat! I’m living large, five-by-five, sucking ALL the marrow, and enjoying every fricking minute of it. Sans enfants.
As a linguistic-accuracy-stickler (when I’m not exaggerating, hyperbolizing, or creating new Ramonaisms) and a muthaflippin’ Professional Organizer, nothing twists my panties like being miscategorized — especially if I’m erroneously labeled as “less than.” I resent the tacit sadness/regret hidden in the word “childless,” the fallacious implication that a woman’s only path to fulfillment or contribution is through her uterus, and the arrogant presumption that someone who’s not me knows my heart better than I do.
Go pedal your pity elsewhere!
(Phew — felt good to get THAT out of my system. Now back to our lexicological study!)
‘Childfree’ — Not ‘Childless’
“Free,” on the other gonad, is a thoroughly positive state of affairs. It suggests a quality-of-life bump directly related to NOT being shackled by that which you consider onerous or burdensome.
(For example, you wouldn’t call a deliberate escape from financial woes “debtlessness” — you’d characterize it as “debt-freedom.” Same thing here.)
I find it interesting that the term “childfree” (which feels to me empowering at best and benign at worst) makes some folks uncomfortable. But that’s cool — if the lingo doesn’t suit you, I’m happy to offer a number of highly-entertaining alternative monikers.
“No-kidder” (boring) — “voluntarily unencumbered,” “gleefully-non-gestastional,” “blessedly-lacking-in-rugrat-itude” (better) — “magnificent-mother-of-creative-ideas-and-amazing-adventures-not-spudlets,” “she-who-enjoys-acting-foolish-too-much-to-give-that-up-for-a-shriekling,” “grand-and-glorious-goddess-of-anti-knocked-up-ed-ness” (if you’re feeling squirrelly). It’s all good, so long as you stereotype my state of elective reproductive stasis in a way that honors the discretionary decision-making behind it. (Translation — “call me ‘barren’ or suggest a failure/malfunction, receive a dick-punch in response!”)
While we’re on the subject of etymology, please allow me to share the various dictionary definitions of “freedom” that I’ve found — every benefit of intentional-infant-avoidance, all rolled up into one concept:
- “the absence of coercion or constraint in choice or action”
- “liberation from slavery or restraint”
- “enjoying liberty, ease, or facility”
- “not subject to the control or domination of another”
- “choosing or capable of choosing for itself”
- “relieved from something, especially something unpleasant”
- “not bound, confined, or detained by force”
- “not taken up with commitments or obligations”
- “not obstructed, restricted, or impeded”
- “not permanently attached, but able to move about”
Who wouldn’t want a piece of that??
Reasons Reasons Everywhere — But Not The Ones You Think
So here’s where we reach the “debunking” stage of most self-cloning conversations. Once I’ve put a fresh carpe-the-shit-out-of-every-diem spin on the idea that squirting a critter out your hole is entirely voluntary (and even those initially skeptical of the no-kidding lifestyle have now dubbed me the coolest thing since sno-cones for having the courage to buck the system) — that’s when the SERIOUS info-pumpage begins!
As I describe the inner workings of my non-natal existence (for what feels like the 895th time that day), I expend a good bit of energy addressing common motivational-misconceptions folks have about checking that procreational “opt out” box.
You see, there’s a default assumption floating around out there that if you’re not following the maternal/paternal herd, it must be out of fear. I’m here to tell you — not so much!
Like the whole “not wanting the next generation to inherit my problems” fallacy. I myself had an outstanding childhood — and as far as I can tell, I’m no more maladjusted than any of the parental units I encounter. Moreover, I’ve got excellent fucking genes! I’d be proud to pass on all my fire, passion, brutal honesty, and verbal dexterity to some tiny ginger with a twinkle in her eye and a shockingly foul mouth (a youtube search for “adorable irish children swearing” will give you a pretty accurate picture of what my kid would look like). But only if I possessed the vaguest interest in that sort of thing — which I don’t.
Then there’s the “danger around every corner” delusion — a statistically unsupportable construct dreamt up by a crisis-hyperfocused mass media, perpetuated by helicopter breeders as an excuse for smothering their little darlings to death. The global reality is that we live in a more peaceful/inclusive, less violent, healthier time than ever before. (If you doubt this claim, “Our World In Data” is a GREAT resource for empirically challenging your assumptions.) Even with all the hype, I can’t talk myself into seeing the world as a scary place. I wouldn’t hesitate to share it with a precious snowflake if I desired one — I just don’t.
Nor am I a “tokophobe” about the grosser aspects of labor/delivery. I find pregnancy morbidly fascinating (in the same way that serial killers and holocaust atrocities intrigue me) — so I’m always bugging my childbearing peeps for the gory details. Believe you me, it would take a hell of a lot more than stretchmarks, a squashed bladder, and hemorrhoids to scare me away from something I really wanted!
And while my flag is planted firmly in the “we’ve-blown-past-a-point-of-critical-mass-where-the-planet-can-no-longer-support-homo-sapien-consumption-and-pollution-activities” camp (where overpopulation is seen as a combo environmental/ethical problem, and we’d at least theoretically support legislated family-size limits) — my larger reasons for unplugging ye olde biological clock are much more personal.
The Benefits Of Birth Control
I would offer my apologies to the status quo and the american dream and the biological imperative (and all that happy natalist horseshit) for my reproductive non-conformity — but I’m not actually sorry.
I’ve just never bought into the traditional sales pitch — springing forth offspring driven by no other rationale than “‘that’s what you’re supposed to do.” I need a fucking good reason for EVERYTHING. (Or at the very least, a moderately-compelling excuse NOT to do something different!) But then again, I’ve never been especially skilled at following society’s rules — and thus far, I seem to be turning out okay.
So I’mma follow my gut on this one.
Frankly, I’m way too practical a consumer (overly caveat for your average emptor) to ever spawn. I approach the acquisition of family members the same way I would any purchase. If I’m unable to convince myself that I can’t live without it and it’s not 100% worth the expense and ongoing maintenance hassle — I pass. That’s why I don’t own a big-screen tv. Or a motor boat. Or a hot tub. Or property. Or children.
(At least Benjamin made the cut!)
I generally prefer to focus on the more rah-rah aspects of not breeding — peace and quiet, the freedom to travel, time/energy for my own creative projects, a tiny-house footprint wouldn’t be even remotely feasible with a bunch of bratleighs clinging to my legs, the chance to enjoy self-employment without worrying about ending up housed in a box under the freeway. You know, all that good stuff.
But every so often (usually right after a day surrounded by spermlettes), I revisit a handful of truly horrific gestational side-effects, to remind myself why I’ve chosen this path. And I’m not referring to morning sickness, vaginal discharge, bleeding gums, or having to pee every five seconds (I do that last part already) — I mean the pain those little buggers cause you for the next 18 to 30 years:
kids become the central focus of your life (done correctly, sprog-rearing is a 24/7/365 job — every decision you make from the moment that tiny flesh loaf oozes out of your coochie-snorker must take this creature into consideration — I don’t like planning my schedule around anyone else’s demands, and I’ve intentionally structured my life to avoid being becoming a beck-and-call gir — this aspect of being diaper-whipped would most assuredly NOT agree with me)
kids are expensive (the average cost of raising a child to adulthood is around $250,000 and rising all the time — and that’s presuming they get the hell out of your home at after high school, which certainly can’t be guaranteed these days — I come from frugal scottish stock, genetically predisposed to an admittedly unreasonable level of cheapskatery — I can’t even fathom the kind of financial investment that accompanies getting all preggers and shit)
kids are messy (I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve turned being anal-retentive into a successful career — but it’s more than a professional skill, it’s who I am at the core of my being — for my own sanity, I need my house to be neat and tidy, except when I’m too otherwise-focused to care and let the house degenerate into utter slobdom — I’m generally pretty intolerant of piles that I didn’t create myself, so it’s best that I avoid the whole “kindercrap” issue altogether)
kids are exhausting (any parent who isn’t a pathological liar will tell you that caring for wee folk, even the good ones, will wear you right the freak out, forever having to pull them away from something breakable or dangerous — I’ve got me some vim and vigor, but those little boogers drain me like a dementor sucking all hope from a prisoner of Azkaban — I prefer to spend my precious energy on activities other than chasing after free-range munchkins)
kids are a huge responsibility (if would-be-moms-and-dads truly comprehended, and I’m talking pre-fertility here, the liability and obligation caused by a case of baby rabies, there’d be more sterilizations and fewer maternity stays — I mean, you’re charged with shaping an entire LIFE, for fuck’s sake — I’ve got enough responsibility taking care of us, the cats, and my biz — I couldn’t begin to imagine corralling a collection of ankle-biters at the same time)
kids limit your choices (it’s hard too plan a last-minute date or run spur-of-the-moment errands with a crib lizard in tow — forget sleeping late, skipping dinner, and never wearing pants — no spontaneous moves or trips or career-shifts for you — and you sure as hell can’t engage in a random quickie against the kitchen counter with a small hairless poop factory staring up at you — freedom is a YUUUUGE requirement for my pursuit of happiness — this is ‘Murica, dammit!)
kids require constant attention (call me prejudiced, but I like creatures that can take care of themselves, which sort of limits me to cats and adults — certainly, when a friend’s little angel OCCASIONALLY needs taken to the bathroom or helped with a math problem or handed something from a high shelf, it’s Crazy Aunt Ramona to the rescue — I just don’t want to have to don my cape, mask, and spandex all the time — at least not outside of the bedroom)
kids are an irreversible decision (I tell clients who are waffling with a hard decision that nothing is written in stone — not so, once you’re struck with placenta brain — changing my mind on a near-daily basis is one of my biggest multipotentialite-with-many-interest joys — I’ve already ditched a house, several careers, and a bunch of stuff I didn’t want — but the neighbors tend to frown on putting your larvae up for sale if that whole mommy thing ain’t working out)
kids complicate everything (I’ve devoted my life/career to embracing-then-helping-others-wrap-their-arms-around the philosophy of voluntary simplicity — unfortunately, there’s not one gotdamn thing about raising a litter that’s “simple” — everything from paperwork to personal interactions, from finances to self-care, from the daily stew of emotions flooding your soul to just getting in-and-out-of the frigging car becomes an order of magnitude harder — nope!)
kids destroy any sense of autonomy (my parent-friends tell me that once you take a vag crap, NOTHING is yours anymore — them creepy-crawlers steal and break your stuff, lay claim to every space in your home, suck up all available free time, violate your most intimate boundaries — even your body stops belonging to you — I already have a cat who barges in while I’m on the potty and has zero respect for my personal space — that’s about all I can stand)
All very reasonable, from where I’m standing.
Then someone will attempt to counter my argument — saying, “But you’d be such a great parents!” My response? “Yes. Yes we would. I’d make a spectacular mother, and Benjamin would be an incredible daddy. So the fuck what, if we that’s not what we want to do?” Suggesting that capability obligates us to follow a not-even-in-the-vicinity-of-tripping-our-triggers path is like telling a musical prodigy to get a job as a calculus professor — talent without passion is a guaranteed recipe for unhappiness.
And I refuse to play the self-deprecation game so many of my CF cohorts use to placate those who might accuse them of ego-centrism — the one where I admit to being selfish for wanting what I want, giving them an opening to protest and confess that they wish they’d had the balls to make the same choice.
No way — I’m loud and proud about my childfree status.
What it boils down to is that I love my life just the way it is, I’m certain about what I want in this world, and I’m simply not willing to change things to accommodate a muff monkey.
How To Answer The Worst Question In The World
Even though I clearly have no problem sharing my motivations (or anything else you want to know about me, for that matter) — I’m always amused when folks think they have the right to ask “why” I-or-any-other-no-kidder decided not to procreate.
And I’ll admit it, I’m mildly vindictive — I cherish the opportunity to bust an oblivious pair of chops.
My fave you-don’t-realize-it-but-you-crossed-a-big-ass-non-gestational-line move is to say, “Would you walk up to a pregnant woman on the street or a mom dragging a toddler behind her, and inquire about her reason for choosing to bear that child?”
(That usually leaves the other person stammering and spluttering and apologizing for their gross insensitivity. I then pair an incredibly-inappropriate-if-you’re-in-mixed-company joke with a couple breach-of-ettiquette stories to clear the air — and we end up the best of friends.)
Of course, it’s just as bad in the reverse direction — when they ask, “When are you going to have kids?” It’s intrusive (because the question pries into a private part of your life that you may not want to share) — it’s rude (because you’re being asked to explain something that’s no one else’s fucking business) — not to mention possibly manipulative (especially when you’re being guilt-tripped by well-meaning family) — and potentially condescending (assuming that you’re in need of sympathy, there-there-poor-thing).
If you’re on the receiving end of such an inquiry (and prefer not to skirt the issue or get all tangled up in earnestly validating your lifestyle), give it right back — when you can’t say something nice, be as damned snarky as you can manage! Time to place that tongue firmly in your cheek and have a little fun.
First, for any “foodies” in the house:
- “I had one for breakfast — it was delicious!”
- “No thanks, I’m trying to give up meat.”
- “Too high in cholesterol — I’m sticking to fish.”
- “Find me a good recipe and I’ll give ’em a try.”
- “Can’t — I’m still full from dinner.”
- “I tried one last week and it just didn’t agree with me.”
- “As soon as they legalize cannibalism.”
- “I don’t really like sperm with my eggs — can I just have salt and pepper instead?”
If you want to let them know what you think of their nosiness:
- “As soon as you learn to mind your own beeswax.”
- “When I do, you’ll be the last to know.”
- “Once I decide that I actually want one.”
- “Only when I’m sure I can teach them better manners than your parents taught you.”
- “After all you freaking people stop bugging me about it.”
- “Tomorrow. You’ve talked me into it. Thank you for showing me the light.”
- “When I can raise my daughter in a world where what she does with her body is her business.”
- “How much do you weigh and what’s your annual salary? Or is that too personal a question?”
- “Why? Is there a shortage?”
- “Probably in about — never!”
For those who wish to slam irresponsible reproduction, at the same time:
- “When people like you stop procreating.”
- “Are you offering (your stud services/to be my brood mare)?”
- “Only if you’ll promise to raise them for the next 21 years.”
- “As soon as I decide to stop living my own life and conform to someone else’s expectations.”
- “Only if birth control and oral sex are outlawed.”
- “When the hospital is willing to offer me a 90-day return-policy and a guarantee.”
- “Only if you can promise I’ll have a dozen just like yours.”
- “I’d have to learn some parenting skills first — oh wait, no I wouldn’t.”
- “Once if I run out of better things to do with my time and money.”
- “When I’m ready to give up accomplishing something more important. But “I’m not that bored yet.””
A few all-purpose retorts for any occasion:
- “Only if god decides to reverse my (tubal ligation/vasectomy).”
- “I’m going to wait until they perfect cloning.”
- “Thanks, but I’ve hired a houseboy to take care of me in my old age.”
- “Only if I can teach one to eat from an automated feeder and poop in a box.”
- “I decided to set fire to half my paycheck and set my alarm for 1 AM, 3 AM, and 5 AM instead.”
- “Why? Are you looking to buy?”
- “Only if I can have one that comes out the chute with a driver’s license and a steady job.”
- “I’m still saving up — maybe when they go on sale.”
- “I already have one, and I’m married to him/her.”
- “Only if all housepets become extinct.”
If you thought those were bad, here are the real zingers (they just get worse as the list goest on):
- “At least a couple of years before I need that organ transplant.”
- “Once I get (out of rehab/off probation/released from the asylum).”
- “As soon as DFACS clears me of the charges.”
- “When the restraining order expires.”
- “As soon as they remove my husband from the sex offenders database.”
- “Once the price goes up on the black market.”
- “I’ve got 10 more days left on the penicillin — I should be good to go once the discharge clears up.”
- “Actually, we’re going to go try right now — and you can watch for $20.”
- “Just as soon as yours die.”
If that’s not enough to put stop folks sticking their noses in where they don’t belong, then I give up!
I Don’t Hate Kids — I Just Don’t Want Any
You might have encountered some venom out there in the childfree community — instances of what I call “breeder-bashing,” perpetrated by a group of knee-jerk haters who classify all parents and all kids as evil.
My response to this kind of invective? Give me a fucking break.
It disturbs me mightily that conversations about procreate vs. not have a tendency to turn ugly — what should be a rational discussion about personal choice ends up devolving into an insult-fest. All too often, what could be an educational lesson extolling the virtues of living child-free is reduced to a lot of pointless name-calling. Why is it so hard to keep talk of overpopulation and self-determination from becoming filled with bile and resentment and invective?
I grow weary of the unnecessarily inflammatory language — THIS from a woman who’s made being controversial her mission in life! But seriously, it undermines the legitimate complaints we no-kidders do have. It’s no wonder so many parents take a defensive posture when confronted with a no-kidder arguing against the commonly-accepted convention that having kids is the “normal” way of doing things.
I’m not suggesting censoring use of the word “breeder.” (It’s a favorite derogatory phrase of mine and FAR too accurate a descriptor to ban.) But I would ask my fellow CFers to stop over-generalizeing– it’s important to me that we differentiate between quality parents who have kids for the right reasons (then actually-god-forbid-take-good-care-of-them) and shitty parents who do not. Unfortunately, the misapplication of the term “breeder” has diluted its meaning. Yes, there are stupid people roaming the earth, folks who never should have been allowed to give birth — and I’m right there with you when an encounter with a smug, irresponsible, ignorant parent causes your blood to boil. But there are also a lot of smart, well-intentioned folks doing not-too-shabby-a-job at raising their offspring. Cut ’em some fucking slack!
I don’t despise those adorable little nipple-nibblers the rest of you so value — I just don’t need them in my house (throwing temper tantrums and asking for the car keys and wanting to be sent to college) to make my time on earth complete. And I don’t resent you for having them, as long as they’re well-behaved.
I also meet a good many potential no-kidders who’re considering voluntary childlessness — if you’re in this category, you are welcome here! You might just be exploring your options, searching for new ideas and opinions and information — I’m happy to serve as both a resource and a bad influence. Or you may have already vetoed the joys of baby-brain, nixed the possibility of diaper-whippage, and grown extremely weary of the flak you keep getting for your decision. Now you’re on the lookout for a little camaraderie and support, as well as some solid intellectual ammunition to pack in your arsenal — bullet-proof rebuttals you can pull out during the next mommy-mafia-style attack on your “anti-family” choices and “selfish” lifestyle. I’m loaning you the virtual equivalent of an M8 armored tank equipped with heat-seeking nuclear missiles and electrothermal-chemical guns — go forth and fight the good fight!
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"We Don't Need No Steenkin' Badges!"
Oh Ramona! I just scanned through your blog on child-proof living… You are so asking the universe for a child! ha ha! I felt the same way, and believe me, I totally support your views, but having your own child is really like nothing else. It’s really great fun… Now if you will excuse me, I have to go scrape assorted foods from my kitchen floor!
child-proof living — LOL! child-free is good enough for me — I don’t have to be child-proof! (is that like being bullet-proof?) isn’t that the great thing, though — for those who have them, they couldn’t imagine living without them — and those of us who don’t want them couldn’t imagine living with them — so everyone’s happy! enjoy your … Read Morecleaning — you might want to check under the bed and in the sofa cushions too (I once organized a woman with a 9 year-old, and as we were working in his room, I found a plate of hairy fajitas from 3 months earlier under the bed — no thanks!)
Oops! That was a Freudian slip! I am so obsessed with Child-proofing these days… I do envy your freedom, and cats make great babies! : )
I am with you on that!! Classes and continuing education should be a requirement… Worked at The Birth Place for quite a few years, saw many disturbing family values that will produce more of the same, unfortunately.
Yes, you will notice that when my kids go to camp — I am child-free not childless, which would imply that I didn’t want them to go. I don’t do very well with OPK either.
Welcome to my world Ramona. I am so tired of entertaining the question, “Why don’t you have kids?”
Jacqui, you should respond by saying, “I would but I’m afraid they’d turn out like yours!”. (and btw I have 2 kids that I adore…but it’s not for everyone for sure!)
And I almost never get asked why I don’t have kids. Hmm… LOL
I am laughing b/c I had no idea I was a “breeder”! I love it! I am going to add that to my vernacular for sure. (Honestly, I agree w/y’all. The majority of children are SUPER annoying. That’s why mine aren’t…I have zero patience for it. “No one enjoys that” is my favorite line for my kids when they act like…well, kids. And I mean it. …
Amy, thanks for the parent’s point of view — I’d hate for folks to think that the child-free are the only ones who comment on crappy parenting — it’s like I say, there’s not a good parent out there who isn’t offended when someone else is letting their child act like an idiot and make life difficult for someone else — thank you!
Based on a comment on your status, I started to read the child free section on your blog. It was pretty fantastic. You are much more eloquent about the situations and your replies than I have been over the years. The situations are all too familiar and I enjoyed reading about them.
Wow! Someone who thinks! Someone who thinks like I do! Someone who uses the same words — like breeders. (Thought I made that one up; maybe I did.) Well, I’m so glad you’re around, Ramona. I can’t tell you how long I’ve been trying to find a place on the net for people like me. You may have saved me from eternal despair.
Damn you made some great points!!! I love my cat so much i dont know what i’d do without her no matter what kinda mood i am in she always cheers me up!! cats get such a bad rap for being cranky prissy unhygenic loners but my cat is so kind and talkitive and affectionate she is an awesome companion! you go girl!
i can’t discuss this. i’m too busy laughing. so true.!
You opened my eyes to a lot of reasons why sending my kids to live with their Dad for high school next year will be good for me. Thanks…that was a cool and unexpected birthday gift. :-)
Great list! :)
I would add no friction with relatives and in-laws over not seeing their grandchildren/nieces/nephews enough, or telling you how you should be raising them — you think they’re pestering and intrusive in asking why you *don’t* have kids, just wait until you actually have a kid…LOL
No,I don’t think you are selfish for not having a child. I feel sorry for you that you will never experience the unconditional love that comes with having a child. I remember as a small child spending the night at your parents home with my cousins and the feelings of love and family.(you were not born yet).You will never experience the kind of love that a man or an animal will never be able to give you. I find that sad.
Sounds like you had a good and happy childhood. Your kid probably loves you and you’re most likely a good parent – congratulations on doing a good job, but please also realize that you are very lucky.
Unfortunately this is not the case with everyone. I received endless emotional abuse from my parents and as a result grew up with no desire whatsoever to have children. I’d rather not bring them into the world at all than risk repeating the behaviour my parents engaged in with me. In addition they handed down all kinds of genetic delights – including a degenerative eye condition that can lead to blindness. I’d rather die than pass that on to a child.
Hence I am quite happy to miss out on that ‘unconditional love’ – because, why should I expect my kid to love me unconditionally when in the act of breeding, I would have made the conscious decision to (most likely) lumber them with a host of physical and emotional problems? My parents never should have bred and I sure as hell am not going to, even though I have a wonderful husband with whom I’d have loved to reproduce had things been different. You can feel sad for me if you like, but don’t feel sad for my child – because the kindest thing I can do for them is to never create them in the first place.
Don’t worry about me Donna — I’ve got plenty of love in my life. And (as I’m sure you know), the love in our family is not always as unconditional as one might hope ;) I’ll be just fine with my husband, cats, and friends!
Plus…you never disagree over how to deal with a difficult child!
My favorite: “How much do you weigh and what’s your annual salary? Or is that too personal a question?”
Great post! I agree- my favorite is the weight and salary one. I may actually use that :)
Awesome comebacks! We have a dog, so our response was always “What are you talking about? We have a dog!”
These days hardly anyone ever asks that specific question. Once you hit 40 I think people finally get a clue. But then they start to ask “Do you have kids?”
Some childfree friends who are in their 50s respond to this question by saying: “Kids? Oh my god we forgot to have them!!!”
I love “Only when I’m sure I can teach them better manners than your parents taught you.”
I also love Rene’s “Kids? Oh my god we forgot to have them!!!” – I’m approaching the age when that will be a great response :)
Love it!
The cannibal line is brilliant! We’ve made our decision clear with everyone we know, but it’s always nice to have a proper retort for those who really have no business asking the question to begin with!
My ex mother-in-law once asked: “so when are you going to have a baby?” My reply was “when the sperm fertilizes the egg.” She never asked again.
Now I’m 45 & divorced & I get the – a)how come you never had kids, to b) you’re not too old just yet why don’t you have one? b.s.
My answer to a)”I used birth control”; b)”I’m divorced now” & if they keep harping-“I don’t feel like it”. Short & to the point answers usually work because it infers that you don’t want a discussion about it.
Great post! This question is so inappropriate and I don’t get it as to why people need to know, like why should we care if someone is gay or not. I’ve been caught off-guard too many times with the question and it was upsetting at one point. Now my response is, why have kids when I can retire early instead.
Glad to know that there are others who feel the same as I. My cats bring out my maternal instincts like a human child never could.
This is hilarious! I’m so impressed with all of your blogs. I found you for the first time today. I sent the link to some friends and I’ll be stopping by regularly.
Amen girl I know this sounds ironic, but I’m a 12 year old myself and hate kids my age and up about 6 years SO stupid and overrated I’m glad I’m a RARE good kid hehe and I’m a dude! Btw I think babies and toddlers are IDIOTIC LITTLE PUNKS. I was a horrible one now I’m the best kid I know and teaching my bff to be proper. 1 bore btw cats rule and are adorable!!!!!
“they don’t watch television or play video games”
how can ANYTHING be superior by not doing that? it’s just plain stupid. The other 24 points are easy to agree with though.
Some people use these arguments all the time. Haven’t some people considered their own childhood, is why they chose not to have kids.
I’m glad I got 24/25 of your support ;) I’ve been around kids (and husbands) who are glued to some form of electronic entertainment, and they’re annoying as hell — I much prefer a cat focusing all his attention on me to someone watching Monday night football or playing Halo!
I just wanted to say that I enjoy your Breeders blog posts. They amuse me. As much as you dislike “breeders, ” I probably am equally (or more) opinionated regarding poor parenting.
I understand that children are not entitled to good parents, just adequate ones, but what is considered adequate is so minimal its appalling. If the “breeders” of the world spend as much time each year on their parenting choices and skills as they did choosing a cell phone plan, the whole world would be a lot better place. While it is a job and often a crappy one at that, 99% of the time it is one that the parent was not forced to accept. Most people treat it like a government job you can’t get fired from — do as little as possible and hope no one notices. It makes me crazy when other parents (usually of poorly behaved, underachieving, mini-me’s) say how lucky am to have such [insert nice word here] kids. They don’t come out of the damn box that way and I’ve spent more time learning about parenting, thinking about parenting, considering parenting choices, setting rules, enforcing rules, talking with my kids, educating my kids and generally being unpopular than I ever did in school or my job(s). In a lot of ways, I’m looking forward to quitting this job. (And BTW my kids are at their worst for me because they trust me the most — what does that say about those parents when the world at large knows what a pain in the ass their kids are?) These are probably the same people that say its the most important job ever — and they are stunningly awful at it. Nor do they recognize that doing the same thing over and over will not suddenly make Junior into citizen/student of the year. If it didn’t work in five, ten or fifteen years, its probably isn’t going to start working today.
I just thought I’d share. Needed to get that off my chest to someone who’d understand it as I have run into some horrendous parenting in the last month.
Because a person is able to reproduce, that does not mean that he or she should take part in producing another human being.
My wife and I catch heck from people because of all the reasons you listed. And no matter how hard I try to give a logical reason to express our decission to NOT have kids, it seems as though the “producers” just push harder.
So, I finally came up with a response that finally shuts them up. When asked, “Whats wrong with you, don’t you like kids?” I simply respond with…”Sure, well basted, broiled with salt, pepper and lemon.
Having children is a choice. So, why are we harrassed for making the chioce to not have kids.
Amen and Amen! I found this blog when searching for articles on “irresponsible parents” and “parents who don’t parent”. I’m a parent, once divorced and remarried with a large “brood” but I am soooo sick and tired of seeing such irresponsible parents. These are kids who will grow up and be fellow citizens with my children and because their parents sucked at actually parenting, my kids will suffer from others misguidance! Kudos for a wonderfully put together blog!
I’m glad there are people like me out there who think cats are better than kids :) I’m only 25 but my husband and I are content with our 3 cats and no kids. Our cats are great :D You made some really good points!
also – another major one – you age slowly compared to your childed peers.. i have friends who are my age and look like they’re 35+
Thanks for the clarification. I’ve been referred to as a “breeder” and I did take offense. I have one child. He is a smart and funny, well-rounded goofball. He is the kind of kid that I think other parents would like their children to hang out with. He takes up a lot of our time. However, we enjoy that time as a family. We also continue to have careers and friends separate from being parents. As a parent, we see “breeders” just as clearly as no-kidders. They are the black eyes of parenting.
As always, great job, Ramona!
This is great! I’m a playdate person myself, trying to always be on task and be ‘productive’… although I do take time to relax too. I’ve never heard of the BNP or PNB thing. That’s intriguing. And nicer than just labeling breeders ;)
One of my closest friends and his wife have 4 kids ranging in age from 25 to 19. They parented their kids properly and the kids have turned out well. Annette had a brain tumour removed last February and was in a car crash in October. As her husband had to work (they don’t have a lot of money) the kids shopped, cooked, cleaned house, drove their mum to appointments (she had many medical appointments), showered and fed her. Their oldest works with children with disabilities, their other son is a bank manager, one daughter teaches dance and the other works in a bakery. They are justifiably proud of their kids.
All true, though I myself was ‘illegitimate’, as you like to call it, and I don’t think we ought to be using that word anymore….it smacks of the very labelling we childfree folk hate so much. I wasn’t a burden to my grandparents because they forced my poor young mother to give me away.
Very right, Sid — how about “never be saddled with a parentless grandchild?” That’s probably more appropriate (and certainly more PC!)
Wow. This makes me want to invent nasty and dehumanizing names for childfree people.
And they say having a baby makes you ‘more mature’, and a better person! Lol. You definitely disproved it, at least in your case. The list is meant as a joke. (Not that CF people don’t refer to ill-behaved children as the names ON this list…) Believe it or not *GASP*, CF people have been called far worse names than the ones we jokingly call your ‘crotch trophy’. People who are actually interested in being unselfish (though ‘selfish is a term breeders just LOVE calling CF people), would be to adopt a child who is already BORN. Not bring another child into the world, simply because you feel your genetics are so extraordinary and special (FYI – for every genius, there are a million+ duds) Children aren’t nearly as much of a problem as their unplesant, overly entitled parents though, who find some sort of sick joy in hating on people who don’t want kids. It reeks of jealousy.
Ya know, we’ve been called plenty of nasty and untrue things by the “breeder” population (selfish, barren, irresponsible, lonely, immature). That’s what prompted this rant in the first place — if those with kids weren’t so damned condescending about the choice not to have them, there would be no need to strike back. ;)
If being selfish, irresponsible, lonely, and irresponsible means I can save money to take care of the people I love, put food in my dogs bowl (just because it’s not a human doesn’t mean it won’t starve) and free time to not only be a productive member of society, but to fix myself and make myself a better person just in case I do want to have kids some day, I don’t want to be an unstable mess while trying to provide for a family. And that right there sounds pretty selfish, yea you’re putting others needs before your own but at what cost? What’s gonna happen when you finally break? Some people don’t want kids because they think it’s the safer way to go. But congrats to your droppling(s) and have fun watching the digits disappear in diapers, clothes that will be out-grown in two months, and food that ends up going straight to the trash. Now excuse me, I’m gonna go watch tv with my boy, because that’s what we do in the evenings when we’re not partying it up with other party animals. (See that? See what I did there?)
I have kids, and still call certain little creatures by many of the words suggested in the article! I firmly feel that people who choose to be child free should not be treated any less respectfully than anyone else. I’m sorry some people are jerks about it. It’s not any huge accomplishment to breed. It was my choice to have, and I respect the choices others make to not have.
Aahaha some of those are good ones. Definitely going to be using “why? Are you looking to buy?” in the future.
I think the post-rape in need of counseling one is especially nasty and I might very well try it. Sure, it’s been twenty years since that happened and I’m long since over it, but it would serve someone right to have that blasted in their face as though it were something new! Then I’ll be treated to hearing “OMG I’m so sorry!” To which I can say “I’m not,” or “Why? You didn’t do it,” or some other vile thing.
Hey isn’t this breeder bingo from the Voluntary Human Extinction movement?
I think they may have started the concept, but it’s now part of the public domain child-free vernacular — but this is my own personal interpretation, not a copy of anything anyone else posted. ;)
Your responses for the foodies are the exact ones I had to give out when I was confronted about my vegetarianism for the first year or so. I’m dreading the excuses that I’ll have to give out once they find out I’ll be sterile in the fall. Combining that with my vegetarianism, they’ll think I’m some sort of crackpot.
Great list. My hubby and I have “children” but they have four legs and tails and we prefer to keep it that way. Totally understand your irritation with the “breeders” of the world and how annoying it is they criticize us childfree people bcause we choose not to spit out brats. And I’ve heard all of the insults too and boy I have had to deliver a number of nasty readings to many breeder snots. I almost didn’t get married for fear I’d be stuck with a child-obsessed guy but I lucked out and we’re both completely on the same page. This country is too fixated on children anyway. I mean it’s fine to have them if you want them. Just don’t force pregnancy, childbirth, and childrearing on me ha ha.
You people sound shallow. Don’t want kids? Fine, better you didn’t have them then and you ought to be commended for your choice. But to truly think cats are better than kids is self serving crap and you should look deep in the mirror at your motivations
Self-serving and shallow for preferring cats over kids, and I should look deep int he mirror at my motivations? Well I just have to share that one with my CFers for their comments. They’re going to have a field day!
I adore my cats so much, I will always choose their company over a crotch dropping any day! Plus i can add about 25 more reasons to your list for why cats are fabulous and children suck!
Self serving? No more like honest. Her motivations are clear in her list.
Reason #26: They’re not self-serving and full of attitude like “Like cats but love kids”.
I feel like that about my dog. Better than a kid any day of the week. P.S. “Self serving and Shallow” is what you call people who have children without thinking about it because it’s what others tell them they are supposed to do in life. You sound incredably selfish and shallow, as you believe the only path through life is the one you’ve chosen.
Like cats but love kids on 5/29/2012 I think it’s shallow to come onto a thread which clearly explains the writers’ own personal views and slam her for not sharing yours. To truly think that such an action is anything but shallow is self serving crap and I think you should look deep in the mirror at your motivations.
@like cats but love kids: Get over yourself. We are not going to tiptoe around you and your petty little feelings re: children. We don’t want ’em, we don’t need ’em. We just happen to like cats better. Your whiny little comment does not change that, nor does it make us suddenly come to the bratlight. Get out.
I feel the same way about my ferrets. But I must disagree with one point. cats can ignore you calling them just as well as a child can. Sometimes better! The ferrets ignore me calling unless they think there’s a treat to be had.
Hum, I think “like cats but love kids” is just jealous because everything on the list is right and they realized they just made the wrong life choice.
“Look deep in the mirror,” is such a contrived statement that really says nothing except the attempt to make the writer appear more intelligent than they really are. Tell me, EXACTLY how is liking cats better than children “self-serving crap?”
To Like Cats but Love Kids: No response to my question? I didn’t think so.
Projection much, like cats but love kids? Me thinks it is YOU who is selfish and thinks it’s easier to take it out those that you are jealous of rather than to do the grown up thing and ignore this blog if you don’t agree with it. Why do you care what others do with their lives anyway? Here’s hoping that if you have kids (god help them if you do) that they don’t inherit that stick up the ass from you and not be able to detect humor and sarcasm. Cheers.
Likes cat but love kids- why are you threatened that we don’t want to have kids? There is no concern that the population will die out. It is not selfish to not have kids. What is selfish is to have kids because people expect it.I am not asking you why you have children. We should not have to justify our reasons for not having them.
I think your screen name says it all. Why can’t you Love the kids AND the cats? Why is it that when the kids come along the pets always seem to get bumped down a notch or two?
We KNOW the cats will never have the potential to win a spelling bee or graduate from high school. HECK! They won’t even get us a card on our birthday or take care of us when we are sick. We can’t even get them to do simple chores and yet we LOVE THEM ANYWAY. How is that shallow?
Hey YOU! “Like Cats but Love Kids” besides being a troll, why would you even being reading a childfree blog? Shouldn’t you be changing diapers or something?
What a nut job!
Wtf does he mean by your motivations??? I think you are pretty clear in your list!
@Ilyssa. Clearly she is planning to destroy the planet bit by bit kit by kit. Anyone who has chosen to not have children is clearly up to no good! bwahahaha
Love this list and how true, though the cats at my mother’s don’t come when I call them as they are afraid I’m going to clean their ears! I could replace the “Cat” with “Dog” or “Rabbit” above except dogs need a babysitter which is easy for me when I go anywhere as she is much loved by the extended family. People that protest too much must be jealous of our free lifestyles!
Gosh, Like Cats. Self-serving for choosing cats over kids? I haven’t heard cat owners protesting because their screaming brats aren’t allowed in restaurants or movie theaters. I’ve never seen a cat owner insist on taking its howling cat on vacation, thereby disrupting an entire airplane. Not to mention cat-over-kid people aren’t contributing to an already overpopulated planet just because they want to carry on their genes/namesake.
To “Like Cats but Love Kids” — to have recognized the choice to prefer and love a cat over a kid isn’t self-serving. It’s simply a choice, and one that is made in the face of what others do out of many other factors besides their own wishes, including but not limited to societal and potential grandparent pressure, “the thing to do,” fear of feeling purposeless, actually being purposeless, and chasing down the dream to prove you can “have it all.” As far as examining our motives, it’s been done. Carefully, with intent and purpose. To choose a life that enriches the self (and caring for a cat in the meantime) isn’t selfish, as it’s impossible to be selfish to something that doesn’t exist. In fact, if more people chose the same instead of giving into breeding, we’d have a much healthier, intelligent life force on this planet than one who can’t deal with the kids they create and throw themselves – and their kids – on meds.
Of course I’ll look in the mirror! Hmmm.. what do I see? A person who gets sleep at night, and has time to care about their appearance. A person who gets along great with her husband and still goes on date nights. I’m a dog rescuer, a photographer, an artsy chica that knows her way around power tools. I see someone who can bake, sew, and paint… and actually has the time to do these things. I see a happy person that can not fathom why anyone would put their life on hold to have kids. I actually LIKE my life and see no reason to give it away to help overpopulate the world. In my opinion, having kids is an excuse to not face the world yourself. So you have kids to hide behind their life and the “parent” title, therefore not having to face the world for yourself, and possibly fail at whatever you try.
cats or pets in general don’t disappoint you,they never cry,scream,kill someone,steal,fail at school or life,they always make you laugh and have a good time,etc….
oh and yes,cats can be better parents than human breeders !.
Pets over kids! Hands down!
“Loves kids” doesn’t get it. Which really just shows how self centered they are because they can’t accept a different view point or opinion
It’s great that some people will always remain close minded. We’re not the same, asshat. I don’t like the color yellow. Perhaps you do. That makes me a self serving asshole because of it? Oh, and please explain to me, in all your ‘infinite’ wisdom, how having kids is NOT self serving? How? I have yet to hear one reasoning behind having children that doesn’t perpetuate genetics, give false sense of security in old age and faux immortality. Their reasonings are all the same. Some selfish crap to feed their own crazy desires. Which, if they really want kids, they would do the honorable thing and adopt, or attempt to adopt in order to help those who are actually in need. If you claim to like kids, but do nothing with the ones already here and in need, you’re a hypocrite.
I think with “like cats but love kids”, he/she is trying to convince him/herself, more than anyone else. There’s an element of “misery loves company” behind the motivation for such posts. One more reason cats are better than kids: Kids don’t purr.
Cats don’t produce 80 years of CO2 emission..
I’ll never understand why so many people dive head-on, full throttle, into things that end up aging them prematurely. Parenthood is on the top of the list.
I’ll never forget what my mom told me, when I stuck to my guns about never wanting to have kids:
“I didn’t raise you to not be a mother”.
If you’ve never typed “I regret having children” into a Google search, you should really try it sometime.
There but for the grace of Ortho Tri-Cyclen go I (yeesh….)
My parents are a mixture of martyr-breeders and NIMBY parents.
At least my mom isn’t a total hardcore Korean, or else it would be the playdate thing for me. Yikes!
Good thinking and i agree with the concept of ‘Child-Free’ and ‘Responsible parenting’. I am the byproduct of breeder parent community and decided to be child free.
Another consideration is that America is a conservative religious society, and such societies place strong emphasis on reproduction because having more kids means having more worshipers of the deity. And being parents makes adults more risk-averse, more pliable, more likely to be contented members of society. Extolling reproduction is a win-win from the conservative social point of view.
by Like cats but love kids on 5/29/2012 8:14:27 PM:
You people sound shallow. Don’t want kids? Fine, better you didn’t have them then and you ought to be commended for your choice.
REALLY!?!?! I hate it when people assume that because others don’t have kids, they don’t want them! How ’bout those of us who CAN’T have kids! Ever stop and think about that side? Now who’s being shallow???
I want to give you a big THANK YOU for making me laugh the hardest I have laughed in ten years. A friend of had facebooked a photo introducing the latest addition to his family. Maybe after being a Dad and a Cop for 27 years I have only seen the worst out of kids. And what I wanted to post to my friend was …..My Condolences. My friend “gets” my sense of humor, so I sent him a private message after I had looked up some additional derogatory terms for children….and told him (to quote “Animal Mother” from “Full Metal Jacket”) “Better you than me.” And after I had read your rant “What’s Your Favorite Derogatory Term For Children?’….I laughed until I pure hurt. I began to read more of your posts and I must tell you that I think you are soooooo COOL……and I ‘get’ you. I love my kids, but my Chihuahua is alot more precious and adorable. There were a few Kodak moments, but they are few and far between and long gone. I assure you this…you have not missed a thing and I have often told my friends that if I knew then what I know now,….I woulda cut my nuts off so fishing would be alot more fun. Oh, and even my sixteen year old laughed when I told him he was a ‘f*#Ktrophy”….he gets me though. Please be safe and thank you for being you.
Excellent and hilarious post
I love how when I come home from work, my two cats run to me. I am their Cat Leader/Cat Dad
Ours are the same way. When Matt pulls up in the truck, they know it is him. I get them all excited by saying, “Who is that? Is that the daddyman?” in that voice (you know the voice I’m talking about!) And by the time he gets to the front door, they are meowing and jumping around and pouncing all over him!
So funny and entertaining! I would most likely say something in the line of “I am not that responsible/Too much responsibility/I can only be responsible for a few hours not 24/7/365days a year”
“So you have kids to hide behind their life and the “parent” title, therefore not having to face the world for yourself, and possibly fail at whatever you try.”
Sure Kate, I bet that’s what your parents thought… that they’d fail at anything else. Since you don’t have children you can’t possibly understand that raising them requires more work than any career or personal pursuit. That’s why you’re not having them, because its requiring too much of you… you’re not willing to work that hard. You know what, maybe you’re parents DID fail at everything. They raised a vapid, limited, and hateful child who attacks anything it does not understand. But I think you do understand it. Its so much work, effort, and life-long labor to raise children, that you do not have the strength of will and virtue to attempt it yourself. BUT, rather than laud those who do, while admitting you yourself will not (and being tolerant and accepting of people who live differently than you), you attack to belittle, limit, and minimize parents to make yourself seem or feel superior. You are horribly insecure, knowing that you do not have what it takes or simply aren’t willing to try. THAT is the sign of a small and insignificant person who chooses to destroy instead of create, because it is too hard for you to pursue achievement commensurate with your glorified view of yourself. this entire post is sick: the result of an idle, self-centered, uneducated generation that aimlessly wanders with the singular goal of glutting themselves on any substance or pursuit that will provide pleasure. Human beings who are, in a word, useless.
@pet-less Parent- hey that is a lot of hatred towards directed towards these people. Everyone cant’ have kids because if everyone had kids, there will be serious problems on the planet for everyone. However, since most people have kids, those that opt out are often left out and considered strange or there is something wrong with them. This is bad because it puts pressure on many people to be “normal” and reproduce. This is bad because really-it’s better for at least some of us not to have kids, the population is getting out of hand. Instead of encouraging us to hang our heads in shame over our choices, we should be respected, and not looked down upon. That being said; to answer the question “are cats better then kids” I didn’t know seeing as I never had a kid I don’t have reference to compare. Here I am seeing that yes, they are. That is all I wanted to know. Thanks.
People who choose not to have their own kids are helping to prevent overpopulation in the world. People who do have their own kids have that right and it’s wonderful that they choose to go through all that time and effort and hopefully their offspring will benefit society. But people with kids have the mentality of a “club” where non members who haven’t given in to social pressure to have kids very young are a threat to their way of live. Of course they will assault and insult anyone who thinks differently. Pointing out that someone may be happier without their children can make many parents feel personally attacked and they will respond in kind. Though their actions are undesirable, it can’t be prevented. Of course pet owners are also entitled to respond with further anger that they were insulted for their way of life. It’s a vicious cycle really. Right now I’m on the pet side of the fence, but I know one day I will join the club. And by then I will have lived enough to be ready for it, and I won’t regret it. Unlike if I had children now. I would hate myself forever if I had children now. I’m not ready for that …stuff.
One point here. The idea that the pension plans (gov’t or corporate) are going to be there for the under-60 people is mathematically absurd. (Social Security is even more screwed.) The Fedgov keeps floating trial ballons about confiscating all the 401ks and folding them into Social Security (to keep the latter solvent perhaps another 18 months past when it would have otherwise imploded, tops.)
My kids won’t be paying to keep nonfamily elderly alive, once the gov’t theft system goes down for the count. If you didn’t have any children of your own, I suggest you buy a copy of “Final Exit” (on how to do painless suicide), for when you can no longer work.
Brilliant post. People who try to “convince” other people to have children when the planet has more people on it than it can reasonably bear are, well, stupid. And all of their reasons are stupid. Thank you for taking the time to dismiss them one by one. I don’t have the patience and usually just think of a basic response to each of these, like, “But…that’s idiotic, and…you’re an idiot if you think that.”
Lots of this is funny. I can see why people choose to stay childfree, but I’m not and don’t really want to think of my daughter as a ‘sperm-ette’. And yes maybe I chose to have a child for my own selfish reasons, but for all the reasons u give not to have children, I would not change my daughter cost of the world x
Beth, why come on this message board and repeat one of the cliches – breeder bingo phrases: “I would not give my children up for the world.”
Nobody is asking you to.
At least you do admit you chose to have a child for your own selfish reasons. But just a weird choice of website to post your defensive remark.
I was just curious to see why people choose to stay childfree. I don’t see why it’s weird for me to post a comment here, it’s good to have different view points!
I also want to add, it took me a long time to conceive my daughter and honestly thought I wasn’t going to have children. So i would have been in the same boat as many people who have childlessness forced on then x
Beth, you sound lovely and I am sure you are a wonderful parent. Well done for successfully having your daughter after all that time trying. I am sure she is very much loved! I am child-free and happy to accept the viewpoints of parents like yourself. It is good to hear from a parent who is equally happy to accept the viewpoints of child-free people. Herein I think lies the difference between parents and breeders. I for one will not jump on you; welcome to the page :)
As a single woman of 66 (widowed now) with no children, I completely appreciate this post. I am sick and tired of having to put up with undisciplined kids in public places, and to their detriment, I have found that those kids’ parents are equally undisciplined. The sad part, and it seems to be getting worse in American culture, is that those people seem to be amazingly proud of their bad behavior and their ignorance. I’m glad that, in most instances, I can walk out and drive away from it … far, far away.
Blackwind sounds like as much fun as a pile of dead babies!
Take this for what it is, ya used up douche. A JOKE. (Or did having crotch loaves suck all the humor out of you, along with anything good?) CF people endure MUCH worse name calling from breeders brains… so in good fun, we refer to your ‘spechul widdle sneauflakex’ with humorous names. Making a baby ISN’T special in the least. You’re no different than a roach in reality – they breed just like you! Having a baby just means you can dump a load in a vag, or take on IN your vag. Get over it, get your granny panties out of a knot, and go take care of YOUR semen demons, rather than trolling pages meant for childFREE people who have senses of humor. (Or, go back to ‘mommy-blogging’ and bitching about ‘those blasted, horrible childfree people, who just don’t know WHAT we’re missing’… (FYI – we do. Which is why we have chosen NEVER to have children.) But as I said before, go fetch your kids from in front of the TV/babysitter, and do some actual parenting. I’ll be over here, relaxing, with no worries of children to drive me crazy. :)
Hi everyone,
Firstly, I love this blog!
I am wondering if anyone here can help me?
In a breeding-obsessed culture that constantly reminds me that my only means of fulfilment is to reproduce, I am a 31-year-old woman trying very hard to make a considered decision as to whether to become a parent.
1) I respect child-free people and have particular respect for those rare parents who have really managed to stay in touch with reality and maintain a sense of self (Wade, your post was amazing).
2) Babies drive me up the wall but I love interacting with children once they are old enough to communicate. Changing diapers and cleaning up baby vomit does NOT appeal to me (especially having watched my child-minding mother do it for the first 15 years of my life!) but the thought of asking my kid what they did at school today really, really does. I am under no illusion that the time spent looking after a baby will not be arduous and demeaning (indeed, it may well drive me nuts) but I really want to raise a happy son or daughter.
3)I have cysts on my ovaries and have been told I probably don’t ovulate (though confusingly, I seem to have no symptoms of PCOS) and though everybody says I am still only young, I am living under the constant menace of a ‘ticking biological clock’. At times I panic at the thought that my time is running out but I am equally frightened of rushing into having a child only to find I regret it afterward.
4) My father was a monstrous bastard who emotionally and verbally abused me throughout my teens and twenties and I am worried I may repeat this behavior with my own child (or that my kid will inherit whatever genetic defect caused my father to behave in this way, since he was not badly treated by his own parents and was outwardly ‘normal’).
5) Lastly but very importantly, I have a wonderful husband who will genuinely support me in whichever decision I make. He would like children, but is equally happy not to have them – especially as he recognizes that I’m the one who’s going to have to push them out! (grin)
So this is my situation. I know that the fact I am agonizing over this means I am not child-free, but I nonetheless respect the viewpoint of this blog and can see that there is real hope of receiving some intelligent responses to my post. If anyone has any advice, please reply to me as it may make this very difficult time just that bit easier.
Thanks for your time and apologies for the long post.
Ramona, I absolutely love your hillariously clever insight into the freedom of being kid free. Reading your post today, has made my day, thank you! I physically can’t have children and it has taken me years to accept this. Ironically, now that I am okay with it, society (strangers, friends, family, anyone) regularly let me know that I really should change my mind and I am missing out on the greatest experience. I now am armed and ready with a large list of quick witted responses for these people. Maybe they should be re-thinking their decision to have kids :)
Most of these are used as terms of endearment by parents. Very confusing list.
Are there parents out there calling their kids “fucktrophy?” Good for them!
Loved this article!!!
My personal name for them is ‘spawn’.
crotch dumplings
twat nuggets
cunt maggots
leeches
parasites
overpopulation
potatoes
Hahahah, I love how these “proud parent” people are FULL to the very peak of pure, raw, crude hatred, loathe, jealousy, envy and overall crap. They try so bad (in all senses) to convince others that they are not exactly what they are: big L losers. I love how they insult others and patronize them, which is so unwanted thanks, about their “virtues”, when one just can think, just by reading them online, of what an angry and resentful kind of people they might be, when they are attacking happy strangers on the net. They talk about sacrifice and accomplishments when they are so deranged and delerict emotionally, spiritually and most likely financially they can’t even control themselves on the internet. And, most definitely, they NEVER appear happy at all. They never talk about the rewards, personal growth, serenity that comes from having kids. They just talk about “having what it takes” lol!!! As if being in a tough, uncertain, not rewarding at all and miser situation emotionally, spiritually and most definitely financially was something to be proud of, one that all humanity should definitely seek. Idiots advocating for idiocy, dogmatics, fanatics who don’t want to be the only losers around and would just burn other, happier people at the stake for not being big L losers like then, and because they are just DYING of so much hatred towards parenting they can just feel anger towards other human beings. What a mighty and virtuous example of what parenting does to one!! Oh yes thank you we really get the message lol.
Ramona, thank you. I decided in 1987 age 14 no children EVER for many reasons and have never changed my mind. Back then few people were on the kidfree wavelength. Recently married I got more than my fair share of “why aren’t you….” comments as I married a delightful South AsIan gentleman who NEVER wants to have children. Apparently there are still strong cultural forces in India that dictate you aren’t a real woman without bearing children. Happily it is decreasing, but I still get suggestions to adopt after explaining I can’t get pregnant due to health reasons, hysterectomy etc. I shut people up fast by saying husband and I are dedicated artists who devote our life to clean water, clean air.
Re: Lady von tassel
You will most likely regret having a child if you do decide to go through with it. I’ve seen so many parents that were “on the fence” as you are and now they’re realizing that they’ve lost everything about themselves that made them who they were, their lives have been reduced to a constant drudgery of child rearing, and what often seems like celebration of their status as parents is actually thinly disguised longing for the freedom and happiness of childlessness. I’ve seen vibrant happy people and relationships go to crap as soon as a child comes along and sucks the life out of them, and I’ve heard many regrets about ever having done it to begin with, although they never come out unless it’s anonymously online or after a few drinks. If you want to experience a kid try fostering or adoption, and see if it’s what you really want. The world is massively overpopulated as it is and adding another child who could easily be born with horrible deformities or medical problems or grow up to be the next Dahmer isn’t the way to go, especially if you’re unsure. Just my .02 but please don’t do something permanent that you’ll regret. It’s a much much bigger mistake than getting a bad tattoo
Hi,
Thanks so much for a thoughtful post! It is great to read, even though you may be pleased to know I have since definitively decided not to breed anyway. I blame the period of indecision on a panicked rush of hormones. Thank God common sense won out. For the record, this page has played a MASSIVE part in the decision, and I go to it every day: http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/1072926-Ive-ruined-my-life-by-having-a-child/AllOnOnePage
I still love older children and would like to try fostering. We’ll see what happens.
Thanks again! :)
Besides ankle biters, I’ve also heard a couple of cleaner phrases like curtain climbers & crumb snatchers!
Thanks for this list. I really helped with my narrative about a father
I agree.
You make very reasonable points. I have cats and boy do i love em!
I also have a toddler niece. But being a cat owner with autism does not help with my lack of patience with her. I can’t find it in me to do what everyone else does. Baby-talk to her, cus it makes me feel really weird, and her babbling is like alien speech. And her crying is too much.
Only until she turns like 6 or something i might be able to communicate with her.
So i know I’ll never want to have kids. I have no patience.
Lilly-Belle, my black cat, is my true baby.
anyone want to chip in and buy someone a sense of humor? gawd! these are hysterical!
100% agree, cats are better than human kids.